Meatsnack
03-06-2009, 12:40 PM
While perusing the open commentary thread form the start of NFL Free Agency, I came upon this little gem (http://footballoutsiders.com/audibles/2009/audibles-free-agency-2009) that had me laughing out loud:
Mike Tanier: Meanwhile, in the Eagles clubhouse after Brian Dawkins left:
TRENT COLE: Something is wrong. I feel... leaderless.
MIKE PATTERSON: Me too. I feel unmotivated. Rudderless. Empty. Someone should call a meeting to talk about it.
CHRIS GOCONG: But who? Only leaders can call meetings. We have no leaders. No leaders whatsoever!
ASANTE SAMUEL: You are right. I am just a Pro Bowl caliber player who spent years playing for the most successful franchise of recent history. I cannot possibly fill the void.
SHELDON BROWN: Nor can I, a veteran who has been with the team for years.
DONOVAN McNABB: Everyone knows I can't do it, because I am weak, selfish, lazy, temperamental, incompetent, and secretly evil.
TRENT COLE: Guys, I forget ... I forget how to put on a helmet. Is this strap thing a chin strap or a scrotum strap?
CHRIS GOCONG: Who will bang his fist on the ground and make crazy gestures when his name is announced? Without those gestures, we cannot possibly win.
SHELDON BROWN: I ... I can try. When they call my name, I will smile and blow kisses to everyone, wave my hand gently. That will work right? Please, tell me that will work.
MIKE PATTERSON: My God, why won't anyone call a meeting?
ASANTE SAMUEL: Woe unto us. Our only hope was to keep playing an aging safety whose skills have been in decline for years, a guy we had to hide in coverage. He may have been a step too slow. We may have had to keep Quentin Demps in deep coverage to protect him, but Dawkins' leadership was the only thing that kept this defense together!
CHRIS GOCONG: Guys, how do we get out of the clubhouse? Dawkins always led the way. Without him, we may never figure out how to leave this room!
MIKE PATTERSON: I'll never see daylight again. I'll never see daylight again.
SHELDON BROWN: That wooden thing, with the knob and the hinges. I think it holds the secret to our escape. Trent, try to do something to it.
TRENT COLE: I cannot. I am not driven enough, not intense enough.
BRIAN WESTBROOK: C'mon guys, aren't we getting carried away? Brian was a great player, but he was well past his prime. He was turning into a role player, and he probably only has one year left as a starter. Yes, his leadership meant a lot to all of us. But we are all professionals, and there are plenty of veterans on this roster who know how to win. There's me, Sheldon, Asante. Mike, you and Trent are young veterans now, and you can do your part to keep everyone focused and ready to play. Even Donovan might conceivably play a leadership role, as insane as that sounds. So let's wish Brian well and get on with our lives. What do you say? Guys? Guys?
TRENT COLE: I think I am going to go wedge my head behind the toilet and sob.
MIKE PATTERSON: Me too
CHRIS GOCONG: Make room!
BRIAN WESTBROOK: Sigh.
You know this is exactly how it happened.
Mike Tanier: Meanwhile, in the Eagles clubhouse after Brian Dawkins left:
TRENT COLE: Something is wrong. I feel... leaderless.
MIKE PATTERSON: Me too. I feel unmotivated. Rudderless. Empty. Someone should call a meeting to talk about it.
CHRIS GOCONG: But who? Only leaders can call meetings. We have no leaders. No leaders whatsoever!
ASANTE SAMUEL: You are right. I am just a Pro Bowl caliber player who spent years playing for the most successful franchise of recent history. I cannot possibly fill the void.
SHELDON BROWN: Nor can I, a veteran who has been with the team for years.
DONOVAN McNABB: Everyone knows I can't do it, because I am weak, selfish, lazy, temperamental, incompetent, and secretly evil.
TRENT COLE: Guys, I forget ... I forget how to put on a helmet. Is this strap thing a chin strap or a scrotum strap?
CHRIS GOCONG: Who will bang his fist on the ground and make crazy gestures when his name is announced? Without those gestures, we cannot possibly win.
SHELDON BROWN: I ... I can try. When they call my name, I will smile and blow kisses to everyone, wave my hand gently. That will work right? Please, tell me that will work.
MIKE PATTERSON: My God, why won't anyone call a meeting?
ASANTE SAMUEL: Woe unto us. Our only hope was to keep playing an aging safety whose skills have been in decline for years, a guy we had to hide in coverage. He may have been a step too slow. We may have had to keep Quentin Demps in deep coverage to protect him, but Dawkins' leadership was the only thing that kept this defense together!
CHRIS GOCONG: Guys, how do we get out of the clubhouse? Dawkins always led the way. Without him, we may never figure out how to leave this room!
MIKE PATTERSON: I'll never see daylight again. I'll never see daylight again.
SHELDON BROWN: That wooden thing, with the knob and the hinges. I think it holds the secret to our escape. Trent, try to do something to it.
TRENT COLE: I cannot. I am not driven enough, not intense enough.
BRIAN WESTBROOK: C'mon guys, aren't we getting carried away? Brian was a great player, but he was well past his prime. He was turning into a role player, and he probably only has one year left as a starter. Yes, his leadership meant a lot to all of us. But we are all professionals, and there are plenty of veterans on this roster who know how to win. There's me, Sheldon, Asante. Mike, you and Trent are young veterans now, and you can do your part to keep everyone focused and ready to play. Even Donovan might conceivably play a leadership role, as insane as that sounds. So let's wish Brian well and get on with our lives. What do you say? Guys? Guys?
TRENT COLE: I think I am going to go wedge my head behind the toilet and sob.
MIKE PATTERSON: Me too
CHRIS GOCONG: Make room!
BRIAN WESTBROOK: Sigh.
You know this is exactly how it happened.