The Joke Thread...

[Redblood]

Martha Maxine



Martha's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha's Way To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
Maxine's Way Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha's Way Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Martha's Way Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha's Way Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!

[RedskinRyan]

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened, and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having an allergic reaction. "Where was she stung?" one of the players asked. "Between the first and second hole," was the reply. The player responded, "Wow, she must have been standing right over the hive."

[RedSkinBrit]

lol,I wonder if any of the golfers offered to apply some antiseptic cream to said area?

[Carmelo]

So Mickey Mouse was talking to his lawyer about his divorce with Minnie.
His lawyer says to him, "Mickey, I've checked in to what you said. I've talked to the psychiatrist, all of her friends and her family. I'm sorry Mick, but there's absolutely no evidence what so ever that Minnie is Fu*king crazy!"



Mickey looked at his lawyer and said, "I didn't say she was Fu*king crazy...I said she was Fu*king Goofy!"

[GolfFreak]

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair
dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your trash bin on your desk and label it IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Dont use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what gender they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time
this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, Run for your lives, they're loose!" And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
19) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you
or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

[PGiddy18]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
> _____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A:Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> ______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> ______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> ______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
> ______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at! the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
> ______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> ______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[PGiddy18]

MOTHER SUPERIOR CALLED ALL THE NUNS TOGETHER AND SAID TO THEM, "I MUST TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING. WE HAVE A CASE OF GONORRHEA IN THE CONVENT."
"THANK GOD," SAYS AN ELDERLY NUN AT THE BACK,
"I'M SO TIRED OF CHARDONNAY"

[ShaggySkins]

What do you call a crate full of ducks????











A Box of Quackers!!!!!!!!

[RedskinRyan]

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

[C-7]

Al Capone's gang use to deposit money everyday in the same bank. In front of that bank, there was a small park were an old deaf/mute man begged for change everyday.

One day, the suitcase with the money disappears. Somebody steals and hides it right there in the park. The old deaf/mute man sees everything so a few of Capone’s hoodlums snatch him off his bench and take him to a dark room with a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling.

A big, tough hoodlum who knows how to communicate with signs starts the interrogation. Using hand signs, the hoodlum asks the old man were the money is. The old man shakes his head, so the hoodlum punches him very hard, knocking him down off his chair. The hoodlum picks him up and asks him again. Again the old man shakes his head, and again the hoodlum hits him.

After several hour of this, Al Capone arrives, restless and impatient. He walks up to the old man and pulls out his gun. After putting it to the old deaf/mute mans head, he says to the hoodlum:

“Tell him if he doesn’t tell us where the money is, I’ll blow his head off-”

The hoodlum gives the message. The old man gets really scared and starts making many different signs that, obviously, only the hoodlum could understand. He tells him exactly were the money is hidden.

“So, what did he say?” Al Capone asks the hoodlum.

The hoodlum responds “He says he’s not scared of you, and that you don't have the guts to shoot him.”

[Redblood]

The Presidential Debates have been cancelled!

President Bush said that Sen. Kerry can carry on both parts of the debate!

[Redblood]

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?"

"Yes," said her friend, "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
and Four to go!"

[Redblood]

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[Redblood]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast
that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to
do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that
said: "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING".
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go
even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign: "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY".
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every
day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no
good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign. He was going to let
the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling
everyday to complain.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up
your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to
go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now
and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that
sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:








"NUDIST COLONY - Go slow and watch out for the chicks".

[Redblood]

Shark Fishing

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore. There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush, quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using autographed Round Rock Express baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "Millions believe he is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing................how's the bait holding up?"

[tbfoster1]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants

[IllinoiSkinFan]

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

[suppitty]

Didnt know where else to post this. Intro to pti yesterday:

Wilbon: So Tony who's your daddy?

Tony: I'm not sure, but there is a pretty good chance it's shawn kemp.

[Redblood]

With all of the Hurricanes doing tremendous damage this past season, Charlie, Jean, and all, a new storm has been spotted twisting, and weaving around headed this way. The Hurricane Tracking Force named it Kerry, and the only way to avoid it is to hide behind a Bush!

[RedskinRyan]

A man went before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers, then said, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man said, "I live in a two-story house." The judge replied, "What kind of a reason is that? What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well, your honor, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

[Redblood]

Jane was cooking up a big pot of her baked beans for the church
potluck. She stepped out of the kitchen for a moment and while she was
gone, her son - Little Johnny - came running through the room, a BB gun
in one hand and a box of BBs in the other. He tripped over the leg of a
chair and, naturally, the box of BBs were accidentally dumped into the
pot. Little Johnny peered over the edge of the pot and watched the last
of his BBs sink out of sight. Not wanting to risk a punishment, he
quietly left the room and said nothing to anyone.

The potluck went well and Jane's baked beans were enjoyed by all, just
as they normally were. The next day, however, the church secretary
placed a call to Jane. "Jane, your baked beans were as good as always,
but what did you put in them this time?"

"Nothing new," Jane replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."

[tommahawk]

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness.
> > > His soul arrives in
> > > heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
> > >
> > > "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
> > > settle in, it seems there
> > > is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
> > > these parts, you see, so
> > > we're not sure what to do with you."
> > >
> > > "No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
> > >
> > > "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.
> > > What we'll do is have
> > > you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then
> > > you can choose where to
> > > spend eternity."
> > >
> > > "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
> > > Heaven," says the senator.
> > >
> > > "I'm sorry but we have our rules."
> > >
> > > And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
> > > and he goes down, down,
> > > down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in
> > > the middle of a green
> > > golf course. In the distance is a club and standing
> > > in front of it are all
> > > his friends and other politicians who had worked
> > > with him, everyone is very
> > > happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him,
> > > hug him, and reminisce
> > > about the good times they had while getting rich at
> > > the expense of the
> > > people. They play a friendly game of golf and then
> > > dine on lobster and
> > > caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a
> > > very friendly guy who has
> > > a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are
> > > having such a good time that
> > > before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone
> > > gives him a big hug and
> > > waves while the elevator rises.
> > >
> > > The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
> > > Heaven where St. Peter
> > > is waiting for him.
> > >
> > > "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
> > >
> > > So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a
> > > group of contented souls
> > > moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
> > > singing. They have a good
> > > time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
> > > gone by and St. Peter
> > > returns.
> > >
> > > "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another
> > > in Heaven. Now choose
> > > your eternity."
> > >
> > > He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers,
> > > "Well, I would never
> > > have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but
> > > I think I would be
> > > better off in Hell."
> > >
> > > So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
> > > down, down, down to
> > > Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is
> > > in the middle of a barren
> > > land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
> > > friends, dressed in
> > > rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
> > > bags. The Devil comes
> > > over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
> > >
> > > "I don't understand," stammers the senator.
> > > "Yesterday I was here and there
> > > was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and
> > > caviar and danced and had
> > > a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full
> > > of garbage and my
> > > friends look miserable.
> > >
> > > The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday
> > > we were
> > > campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
> > >
> > > VOTE WISELY THIS COMING ELECTION!!
> > >

[IndianBaller27]

Nice one tommahawk!

[GibbsRules!]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan !"

[IndianBaller27]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie.
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan !"
:lol1: I think it's getting too political in here, but they're still funny!!

[GibbsRules!]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[IndianBaller27]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
I don't mind at all. As long as they make me laugh!

[tommahawk]

> A man and a woman, who have never met before, find
> themselves assigned
> > to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
> Though initially
> > embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
> tired and fall
> > asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
> At 1:00 AM,
> > he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
> sorry
> > to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
> closet to get me
> > a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better
> idea," she replies.
> > "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married. "Wow!
> That's a great idea!!"
> > he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn
> blanket!"
> > After a moment of silence, he farted.

[RedskinRyan]

> A man and a woman, who have never met before, find
> themselves assigned
> > to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
> Though initially
> > embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
> tired and fall
> > asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
> At 1:00 AM,
> > he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
> sorry
> > to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
> closet to get me
> > a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better
> idea," she replies.
> > "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married. "Wow!
> That's a great idea!!"
> > he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn
> blanket!"
> > After a moment of silence, he farted.

ROFL. i've heard so many variations of this joke, but this one is the best, especially the last line.

[Redblood]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear,"
she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all
wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a
mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her
husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about
myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at
Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

[CarMike]

A man is leaving the bar late Wednesday night when he sees a woman in the shadows between two cars in the parking lot.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it in the back seat for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in
her face."

[Redblood]

Lost in the Election News, and Sports News and such.

Dateline: Last week.

Obituary: Roland LaPrise

The problem started when the Funeral Home went to put Roland the song writer into the coffin. You see, Roland wrote the Hokey-Pokey!

[GibbsRules!]

"Two Irishmen, Sean and Pat, fancied a pint or two but didn't have a
lot of money between them. "Hang on, I have an idea," says Pat. He
goes next door to the butcher's shop and comes out with one large sausage.
"Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left for booze!" says
Sean.
"Don't worry, just follow me," Pat replies.
He goes into the pub and orders two pints of Guinness. "Now you've
lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money!" cries Sean.
Pat replies with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They down their drinks. "Okay, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth," orders Pat.
Said and done, the barman notices them, goes berserk and throws
them out. They continue this, pub after pub, getting more and more
drunk, all for free. At the 10th pub Sean says, "Pat, I don't think I can do
any more of this. I'm pissed and me knees are killing me!"
"How do you think I feel?" says Pat. "I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[CarMike]

A blonde's car breaks down on the highway, so she eases over on to the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the hood.

Out of the back seat jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle. They stand facing on-coming traffic, open their coats and expose themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, a traffic tie-up occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

"These are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde.

[GolfFreak]

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. I was Judge # 3.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy fuck, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[RedskinRyan]

holy crap benjamce(or should i say golffreak?), iwas seriosuly CRYING the first time i read that joke

[tommahawk]

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to
purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most
sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on
and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"

[CarMike]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected



a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"












The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[GibbsRules!]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support".

I seriously recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2! .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!!

DO NOT, under any circumstance install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to your Hard Drive...

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[padraic]

Football analysis by a blonde...


A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.


"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."


Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!

[Redblood]

That'll cure ya!

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[tommahawk]

Last year we replaced all the windows in our house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them!

Boy oh boy, did we go around! He must have thought I was blonde or something , but even if I was..... it does not automatically mean a person is stupid, right?

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me...........that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him.

[tommahawk]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer.
"I
just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your
horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider
this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her
husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new
one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was
something wrong with the emergency brake.

[TupaFan]

SEX EDUCATION

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business, the annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have,
however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even
know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends all call me Bubba."

[IowaSkinsFan]

Hey, I know a joke when I see one......just wasn't expecting to see it outside of the joke thread!

[CarMike]

Very funny Tupa Fan. unfortunately it belongs in the joke thread....

Moved....

[GolfFreak]

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.



EVER WONDER ..

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Redblood]

Gipetto & Pinochio were out fishing.

Gipetto says to Pinochio:

First the fish aren't biting, then we use up all our bait.

And now Jiminy Cricket is missing!

[Redblood]

Dateline Williamsburg Va 12-1-04:

William and Mary have decided to start seeing other people!

[RedskinRyan]

A blonde with a sore throat goes to the doctor. The doctor asks her to sit down, gets out his light and says, "Open wide." "I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."

[TupaFan]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke
up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said............

"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[Jero]

Why should all hurricanes be named after women?

Because when they arrive they're wet and wild, and when they leave, they take the house and the car...

I'M GOING TO:

Make like a hockey player and get the "puck" outta here
Make like a tree and leaf
Make like a drum and beat it
Make like a fetus and head out...
BADAMBUMP!!
C'mon, it's all in good fun!!

[hail2skins]

Tupafan's joke was merged here. Pretty funny Tupafan.

[Redblood]

Tickets

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way! , Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[TupaFan]

One day little Cyrus asks


"Daddy, how was I born?"


His dad smiled and said


"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, Cyrus my young boy, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

[IowaSkinsFan]

A father's young son asked him “What is sex?”

After a rather lengthy talk, the boy said, “Well, that’s all very interesting. Now, how do I fit that in this little space on the form the school gave me to fill out?”

[RedskinRyan]

A father's young son asked him “What is sex?”

After a rather lengthy talk, the boy said, “Well, that’s all very interesting. Now, how do I fit that in this little space on the form the school gave me to fill out?”

ROFL

[tommahawk]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
> company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
>
> "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the
> lawyer.
>
>
> Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
> my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
>
>
> "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
> the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
> fine!'?
>
> Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
> driving down the road...."
> The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
> establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
> the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
> weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he
> is a fraud.
>
> Please tell him to simply answer the question.
>
> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
> said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
> favorite mule, Bessie."
>
> Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
> just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving
> her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
> stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into
> one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real
> bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning
> and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
> Shortly after the accident a
> Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
> groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out
> his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across
> the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

[TupaFan]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really
liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big
muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other
for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO... it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what
they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"

[redskin_rich]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS Time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Jimreaper007]

Clarification of why men hire prostitutes:

Contrary to popular belief, Men do not pay women to have sex with them. Men pay women to go away after having sex with them.

[RedskinRyan]

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

[TupaFan]

Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup butter
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it's of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup & drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar & beat again.
Make sure whiskey is still good, try another cup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to bowl & chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, pry loose with a screwdriver.
Sample whiskey again to check for tonsisticity.
Next sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check whiskey.
Now, sift the lemon juice & strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350*.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake, anyways?!

[tbfoster1]

Two trucks loaded with copies of a thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.....

[Minnesota Mike]

Two trucks loaded with copies of a thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.....

... shocked, alarmed, caught off-guard...

[tommahawk]

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro cinco.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.
11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.
12. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.
17. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKY DIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.
19. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
20. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.
21. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND A TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Either way, somebody's gonna lose a trailer. important info

[tommahawk]

Don't ask Why lawyers should never ask a witness a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer:In a
trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand - a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women, one of
whom was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench
and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you
bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your
sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[tommahawk]

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska.
>
>He shot and dropped a mallard, but it fell into a farmer's field
>on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over
>the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
>asked him what he was doing.
>
>The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck, it fell in this
>field and now i'm going to retrieve it."
>
>The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are
>not coming over here."
>
>The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial
>attorneys in Nebraska and if you don't let me get that duck,
>I'll sue you and take everything you own."
>
>The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
>know how we settle disputes in these parts of Nebraska.
>We settle small disagreements like this with the
>Three Kick Rule."
>
>The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
>
>The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on
>my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me
>three times and so on back and forth until one of us gives up."
>
>The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
>decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
>to abide by the local custom.
>
>The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
>walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of
>his heavy, steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and
>dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff
>sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
>
>The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick
>to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
>
>The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed
>to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket,
>he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
>
>[I love this part.....]
>
>The old farmer just smiled as he climbed back up on his tractor and
>said,
>"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[RedskinRyan]

why did the eskimos have their pants down?

they heard the snow blower coming

[tbfoster1]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby
table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it
becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya' swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya' breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
>>
>> His partner says "Ya know, I'd! heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
>> Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
>>

[GibbsRules!]

Nice Tb, Nice!

[TupaFan]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is
full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

[TupaFan]

The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet
turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with
pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an
infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for
nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back
and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down
with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little
hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
breathe.'" "They started counting, but nevereven got past ten."
"Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff,
they all said was from Mom's play-center! , so there must be a lot
of stuff inside there."



Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,
just in case another Erica comes along.

[Redblood]

Rand-Me Moss's car was spotted on I-75 recently with Baby moon hub-caps, and a moon roof!

[GibbsRules!]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

[IowaSkinsFan]

Amazing research...............

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No pizza for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to pee in the street

j) I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

k) Nudie run? Not for me thanks!

[IowaSkinsFan]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. Her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[IowaSkinsFan]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a little spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS".

[RedskinsVision]

i'm a lil' late to this thread so sorry if this was already posted. got a lot of catching up to do.



"A man rushed into his house and yelled to his wife,
‘Mary, pack up your things. I just won the National Lottery!’
‘Brilliant,’ replied Mary, ‘shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’
‘I don't care.’ the man sneered, ‘just so long as you're out of the house by noon!’"



Say "Sunshine City" repeatedly as fast as you can.

[GeneralDisorder]

Bloke goes to see his Doctor

"I need help, Doc..." he says, "...I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and even talking ducks ......what should I do?"

"Don't worry," replies the Doctor. "You're just having Disney spells..."

[tbfoster1]

Bloke goes to see his Doctor

"I need help, Doc..." he says, "...I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and even talking ducks ......what should I do?"

"Don't worry," replies the Doctor. "You're just having Disney spells..."

**Rimshot**

[LadyNRedskinsfan]

ok, this is the first time ive posted in this thread so no tomatoes please! :D
---------

Q: Why is Donovan McNabb no longer allowed to do Chunky Soup commercials anymore?


A: Because he chokes whenever he gets close to the bowl.

[Jimreaper007]

What do you get when you cross a brilliant QB with 49 TD Passes, with a 1500 yard running back?


Nothing

[TupaFan]

ok, this is the first time ive posted in this thread so no tomatoes please! :D
---------

Q: Why is Donovan McNabb no longer allowed to do Chunky Soup commercials anymore?


A: Because he chokes whenever he gets close to the bowl.

:lol1: Good one Lady!! No tomatoes!!

[Beast56Redskin]

Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis revealing the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were given 6 cans of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

sorry no offense intended (if taken)

[RedskinRyan]

why did ron artest leave the game early?

so he could beat the crowd

[PyroGenic]

What does michael jackson and a ps2 have in common?

they're both made of plastic and turned on by little boys.

[GolfFreak]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the cup and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied: "Listen a$$hole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

[TupaFan]

LINK (http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/preview/flash/wsShell.swf?ihost=http://ak.imgag.com/imgag&brand=/product/preview/flash/wsag&cardNum=/product/full/ap/3066708/graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstTo=&NameFirstFrom)

[TupaFan]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

Then the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door. Again the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car runs up to the truck and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers his window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says..............

"Hi, My name is Kevin. It's winter in Chicago and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."

[Redblood]

Morris And His Wife Esther Went To The State Fair Every Year, And Every Year Morris Would Say, "Esther, I'd Like To Ride In That Helicopter."

Esther Always Replied, "I Know Morris, But That Helicopter Ride Is 50 Dollars And 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."

One Year Esther And Morris Went To The Fair, And Morris Said, "Esther, I'm 85 Years Old. If I Don't Ride That Helicopter, I Might Never Get Another Chance."

Esther Replied, "Morris That Helicopter Is 50 Dollars And 50
Dollars Is 50 Dollars."

The Pilot Over Heard The Couple And Said, "Folks I'll Make You A Deal. I'll Take The Both Of You For A Ride. If You Can Stay Quiet For The Entire Ride And Not Say A Word I Won't Charge You! But If You Say One Word, It's 50 Dollars."

Morris And Esther Agreed And Up They Went. The Pilot Did All Kinds Of Fancy Maneuvers, But Not A Word Was Heard. He Did His Daredevil Tricks Over And Over Again, But Still Not A Word.

When They Landed, The Pilot Turned To Morris And Said, "By Golly, I Did Everything I Could To Get You To Yell Out, But You Didn't. I'm Impressed!"

Morris Replied, "Well I Was Going To Say Something When Esther Fell Out, But 50 Dollars Is 50 Dollars."

[PGiddy18]

This is what my father (the eagles fan) sent to me today:

This is for all you EAGLES fans and for those who are not!!! A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Eagle's game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
>
> "No," he says, "the seat is empty." This is incredible," said the man.
>
> "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Eagles game, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
>
> He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Eagles game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
> "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Redblood]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of
the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to
send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So, he
called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better
send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So, God called another angel and sent him to Earth
for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God
and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline;
95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
> > >
God was not pleased. So, He decided to email the 5%
that were good, because He wanted to encourage them
Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Just wondering. I didn't get one either.

[Redblood]

TEN things to say when caught sleeping @ your desk!
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to!"

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just
in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle
that big procurement problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk........

1. Raise your head slowly and say,

"...in Jesus name, Amen."

[Redblood]

This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk.
This is working well for me.
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for
building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt
this three days a week.

Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand.

Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there
as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute.
Relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then
50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
out for more than a full minute.
>
>
>
>
>
>
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of
potatoes in the bags.

[Jimreaper007]

[insert eagles joke here]

[Redblood]

Three hunters were walking down a logging trail and all of the sudden a big buck jumps out. All three pull up and shoot. As they walk a little closer to the deer they hear another noise in the bushes. A gamewarden jumps out and said "who shot that buck". The hunters replied, "Not sure, we all fired at the same time". The game warden walks over to the deer looks him over to look for bullet holes and comes back to the hunters and says, "Are any of yall a Baptist preacher". One hunter replies, "why yes". Gamewarden says "it's yours-----went in one ear and out the other"

[Redblood]

Subject: Guy's rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally the
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or V8 engines.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

[Minnesota Mike]

Subject: Guy's rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally the
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or V8 engines.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

My favorites are #1 and #1.

[Redblood]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the law. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, "the balcony."

[Minnesota Mike]

Subject: Guy's rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally the
guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!Just say
it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or V8 engines.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like
camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

The other side:

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"



GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"



THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future argument they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!



They forgot "Whatever"...(it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!)

[GibbsRules!]

RETURN OF THE IRISH DAUGHTER

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us; not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't
you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur
coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex,
and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the
Country Club ... (takes a breath) ... an invitation for you all to
spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....

"Now, what was it you said you had become?" the father interrupted.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A prostitute, Dad... Sniff,
sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you
said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

[Jimreaper007]

I heard this Joke from a WWII Airborne Vet who pinned on my Airborne wings.



"Back in the day the Airborne physical consisted of placing two doctors on either side of a paratrooper looking into his ears. If they could see each other you were in"


Glad to see the standards have not changed much :D

[redskin_rich]

Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the NFC East and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the New York fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Giants!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Eagles fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for Da Eagles!"

Seeing this, the Redskin fan walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Cowboy fan off the side of the mountain.

[GolfFreak]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[GolfFreak]

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder would be so frightening. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault
at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[RedskinRyan]

what did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?

gee, you knit?

[tbfoster1]

what did 50cent say to his grandma after she made him a sweater?

gee, you knit?

oh my god.......i actually laughed at that, :D

[RedskinRyan]

oh my god.......i actually laughed at that, :D

i must admit, im a sucker for the rapper jokes like this. i think i've been shunned by friends for telling them this.

[GolfFreak]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[TupaFan]

Only at Wal-Mart........

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars..a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[jrock]

Only at Wal-Mart........

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars..a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Hahaha thats a good one

[Redblood]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of semen.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in semen - dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
The minister asked the congregation - "What can we learn from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

[Redblood]

Blue Cross Health Care
Mrs. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab technician says, "I'm sorry, mam, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mrs. Smith.

"Well, one Mr. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other tested > > positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's test."

"That's terrible!" said Mrs. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"What am I supposed to do now?" said Mrs. Smith.

"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Redblood]

(For those who have never used an outhouse this may not be funny, but for those who have I got a chuckle out of it.)
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells
back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what
to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around
and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this
outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts
yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in
the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[Redblood]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and is still heavily sedated from a 4 hour operation. A young
nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles
from behind his mask, "are my t*sticles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse
replies,"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He
struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my T*sticles black?" So, she pulls back
the covers, raises his gown, holds his p*nis in one hand and his t*sticles
in the other hand, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them!" The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was nice
but listen very, very closely....Are--my--test--results--back?

[Redblood]

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher. The preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The Drunk answered, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replied, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer. Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and legs, whereupon he pulled him up. The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Redblood]

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last
child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn
payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get
there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma
house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I
want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo
momma say 'bout that?"

Baby girl say "She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression on yo face."

[Redblood]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small p*^is.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[Redblood]

Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:


1. Keep your priorities in order

2. Know when to act without hesitation

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by.

"I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!"


Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying,

"Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"


His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold!! The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent.....waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked:

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" " Why did you do that!?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid s&!t and act like an (edit)!!! So he sent me!!"



ONE NATION UNDER GOD!!!!

[Redblood]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.


Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.


He asked if they were willing to try it out.


They were both very much in favor of it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before.


But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and kick it up a notch.


The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.


The husband was still feeling fine.


The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing.


At this point they decided to try for 50%.


The husband continued to feel quite well.


Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.


She and her husband were ecstatic


When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[Redblood]

A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestigious Automobile sales Showroom. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche. "I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not driving it ‘properly'.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

At 120 mph she shifts into 4th gear; at 145 mph she goes into 5th gear.

The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a train crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down. Instead the pitch of the engine increases!

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car comes to a screeching halt mere inches from the barrier.

"Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN

[Redblood]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of an elite fighting group called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES or (USRSF) The boys, Cooter, Bubba, Hoss and Boo will be dropped behind enemy lines and given the following information about the Iraqi insurgents:
1. The season opened last weekend.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or hound dogs
5. The are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt

The War should be over in a week.

[Redblood]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

[Redblood]

Medical exam
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old bugger!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in January!"

[Redblood]

What a Child Hears...

A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord" he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous
look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "

He would have continued but at that moment, a very obedient daughter (who
was listening!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite loudly in her
shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[Redblood]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched
the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?

[TupaFan]

Playful Kitty!

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

It was our new kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter, and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[RedskinRyan]

how are bosses like legs?

when they get to the top, they become asses

[Redblood]

Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was touched, but amused when he observed, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."--

[Redblood]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear!"

[TupaFan]

Over 10 years just flashed in front of my face!! :lol1: Enjoy!!!

If you were a little girl in the 70's or the early 80's


You wore a rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves, and the rainbow went
upone sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them
down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually
worked.

You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with
flowers on it.

You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had
metal wheels.

You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute (Admit it!)

You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.

You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy
Hamil" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes
thought you were a boy.

Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.

You begged Santa for the electronic game, Simon.

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny
shredded outfits.

You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the
trapeze. The swing set tipped over at least once.

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.

You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole & the
buckle you actually purchased at the drug store). You also had a pair of
saltwater sandals.
What the heck are saltwater sandals?????

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little
House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in
at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!

You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink. Your hairstyle was
described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with
the comb you kept in your back pocket.

You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry
Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school and it was metal, not
plastic.

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard
was your boyfriend.

Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will
pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day. Damn
you!

YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!

It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz"
would come on TV. Your Mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping
bags!

You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry.
Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Rick Springfield?"

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame
soundtrack record album.

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts, like yarn and Popsicle-stick,
God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird pot holders made on a plastic
loom.

You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your T-shirts!

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable
tape player up to the speaker.

You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you
ordered books from the Weekly Reader book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing.

You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy
Blume books (Are you there God, It's me, Margaret.)

You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.

You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart
or rainbow designs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin and a
lemon twist.

You had subscriptions to Dynamite and Tiger Beat. You spent all your
allowance on smurfs and stickers for your sticker album!

You thought a "pocket full of trojans" (Little Red Corvette song) were
horses

[Redblood]

A man comes into the ER and yells,
"My wife's going to
have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's --Dress,
and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was
in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be,"
remorsefully
replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told
a wife that her
husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family
that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical,
including the
visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty
feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both,"
I requested. There
was silence. He
couldn't even read the
large E on the top line. I
turned and discovered that
he had done exactly what
I had asked; he was standing
there with both his
eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week
follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his
medications. Which one?"
I asked. The patch. The nurse
told me to put on a
new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete
confusion she answered .
Why, not for about twenty years
-- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom
he was performing this
exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up
from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor,
but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name


These are too funny to be made up!!

[TupaFan]

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Eight stars.

[swheeler]

I'm not the religious type but this is kinda funny

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

> > > >> They moused.
> > > >> They faxed.
> > > >> They e-mailed.
> > > >> They e-mailed with attachments.
> > > >> They downloaded.
> > > >> They did spreadsheets.
> > > >> They wrote reports.
> > > >> They created labels and cards.
> > > >> They created charts and graphs.
> > > >> They did some genealogy reports.
> > > >> They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all
GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said..... "Jesus saves."

[TupaFan]

You may not know it, but many non-living things have a gender, no kidding.

For example...

1) Ziploc Bags- they are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers- they are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tires- Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass- Female, because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control- Female ... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this---it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[RedskinRyan]

good ones tupafan

[Jimreaper007]

You wanna hear something funny?

I am watching a repeat of the NFL QB competition and Mark brunell had the 3rd longest throw (63 yards)

[TupaFan]

Which year? :lol1:

[TupaFan]

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

-----------------------------------------------------------------
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay
out!'"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------


7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,
that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Redblood]

Hello, is this the Police Department?"
"Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the cops descend on Virgil's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy"
Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright?

[Redblood]

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the
Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama. Then, she asked the class,

"If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,

"I think I'd throw up."

~**~**~**~**

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of
Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how
Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and
laid it upon the altar.
And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of
water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the
Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I
know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"

~**~**~**~**

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked
back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted,
"My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

~**~**~**~**

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked,

"Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the
Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

~**~**~**~**

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children,

"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible
times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

~**~**~**~**

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he
got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all
the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to
radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bomb ers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his
mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd
never believe it!"

~**~**~**~**

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize
one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the verse.

Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the
first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in
front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn,
he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,

"The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know!"

[Redblood]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories
on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead,
I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be
alive.

[Redblood]

Senior Citizens
Are The Nation's Leading Carriers Of Aids!


Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Rol Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All,
Monetary Aid To Their Kids!

[TupaFan]

Test for Dementia


Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?







Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?




You're not very good at this! Are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.


Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer





Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.


Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?




Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?






Answer: Nunu?



NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again



Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?










He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

[PGiddy18]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.


Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"


Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."


"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[tommahawk]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her

body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left cheek and screams, and

then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says.

"Your finger is broken."

[MoeRedskins]

Here are some eagles jokes for the kids:

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common?
A: The both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Philadelphia Eagle out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: What do you call a Philadelphia Eagle with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't Camden have a professional football team?
A: Because then Philadelphia would want one.

Q: Why was Andy Reid upset when the Philadelphia Eagles play book was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q. Philadelphia Eagles does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road !

[TupaFan]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE: PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests, "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

[TupaFan]

New exercise routine if you're over 40!

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.

It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any

exercise program!




SCROLL DOWN...










































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.

[TupaFan]

This is creepy







Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.

Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.

Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.

Almost
there........
.
.

Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
. Of course not.......
.


.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.

Smile & have
a great day!

HA HA GOT YOU!

[TupaFan]

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE"

2. You watched the Pound Puppies.

3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair" and can do the
"Carlton".

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to
start a club of your own.

6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.

7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom

8. Two words: Hammer Pants

9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes"
or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect

11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales " (Woo ooh!)

12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch
cartoons.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big
screen...and still know the turtles names.

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class
at school.

16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt
in a knot on the side.

17. You played the game "MASH " (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?

20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM " in Kindergarten.(She's
truly outrageous.)

21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the
Ramona books.

22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose
fell off and his cheeks shifted.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail kids in
the schoolyard.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you
exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in
neon colors, too)

35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you
are, but what am I?"

36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline
skates.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.

41. You're going through this nodding your head in agreement.....

42. You remember Popples.

43. "Don't worry, be happy"

44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top
Reeboks.

45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do... getting
yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family)

46. You remember boom boxes. . and walking around with one on your
shoulder like you were all that.

47. You remember watching both "Gremlins " movies.

48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony."

50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't
even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".

53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved
By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

55. You just sang those words to yourself.

56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)

58. You remember when mullets were cool!

59. You had a mullet!

60. You still sing "We are the World"

61. You tight rolled your jeans.

62. You owned a banana clip.

63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"

64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about
Willis?"

65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

66. You're still singing "Shot Through The Heart" in your head, aren't
you!!!??

[TupaFan]

This may already be in the thread, but I wasn't going to go through 400 posts!! :)

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right
To An Attorney...And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Ay, Yep

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared


&

The District of Columbia

The Work-Free Drug Place!

[RedskinRyan]

i remeber one time i made my mom crack up cause she said something and i was like "where's the beef"

[WackyJacky]

TupaFan, yer killin' me!

(And yes, I had to get the calculator out for that one question. And I'm still smacking myself in the forehead. D'oh!)

[TupaFan]

TupaFan, yer killin' me!

(And yes, I had to get the calculator out for that one question. And I'm still smacking myself in the forehead. D'oh!)

Don't worry. I fell for it too!! :lol1:

[TupaFan]

Oh to be Six Again


The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.





"I'd love to be six again," she replied.





On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland.





What a day!





They went on every ride in the park.





The Matterhorn,


Space Mountain,


Splash Mountain,


Pirates of the Caribbean,


and the Haunted Mansion.





Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.





They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.





Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.





What a fabulous adventure!





Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.





He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear,


what was it like being six again?





Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about?





You idiot, I meant my dress size!"





The moral of the story:





Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[TupaFan]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked .
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[TupaFan]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.


As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.

Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.


Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.


At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."


Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.


It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"


"Very well," said the voice.


The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.


And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."

[RedskinRyan]

nice one tupafan

[MoeRedskins]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked .
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

thats a good one. :lol1:

[Jimreaper007]

New Living Will


I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a
cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse,
children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes
and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that
these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead
to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who
aren't in a permanent coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I
don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for
their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play
politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if thousands of religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on
my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make
his or her existence a living hell.


____________________________________
Signature


_______________________________________
Witness

[TupaFan]

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your
friends you know you want to!

[TupaFan]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, San Angelo, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.


From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.


Each will be driving a pink Volvo, and each will have one of the following bumper stickers:



* I'm Gay *



* I Love The Dixie Chicks *



* Boycott Beef *



* I Voted For John Kerry *



* George Strait Sucks *



* Hillary 2008 *


* I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns *


The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins!