The Joke Thread...

[NamVet4]

O.K. Boys and Girls…Everyone enjoys a good laugh –
and we can always enjoy one around here–
so the admins and mods are starting a joke thread in the Apache Off Topic Forum. :lol1:

This way all the jokes will be together in one easy to find location! :doh:

A few simple rules:

No hurt feelings if no one responds to your joke – get a better joke next time!

Good taste is appreciated - we expect all of you to try to reach that goal


Remember this is a family site – adult humor, obscenity and derogatory jokes are not permitted in any form, ie. text, pictures, graphics, and/or links.
(The admins and mods will enforce this rule)


So go ahead and start posting your jokes!

[JoeDaSchmoe]

Aight, let's get this thing started, I always like reading jokes....

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did some research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles -- or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: it had a wonderful disposition and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull, and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left, the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi pondered for a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they all replied, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

[JoeDaSchmoe]

The first grade class gathered around their teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture that the teacher held up was a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"
"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right, again. And what about this animal?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children... it's something your mother calls your father."

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a horny bastard!"

[JoeDaSchmoe]

Don't be fooled by the beginning of this... it's damn good. :D

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole freaking thing.

[NamVet4]

WTG Joe.... Getting things off to a good start!

[NamVet4]

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
Later, when the collection plate came by his mother again leaned over and tried to coax the nickel out of his clenched fist. He held firm and stated, "If I can't eat, I won't pay."

[NamVet4]

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

[Green-Is-Good]

:lol1: Excellent Nam!

[Skinzaholic]

That was good Nam.

[Green-Is-Good]

This one is pretty solid:

Two women are training to become CIA agents. One a blond. One a brunette. THe last red-haired.
Their last test is to kill their respective husbands. This proves that they can go through with any mission.
The brunette goes into the room where her husband sits. She can not bring herself to do it. She drops the gun.
The red goes into the room. Same deal.
The blond enters the room. As the blond comes out of the room, she says "you filled it with 15 blanks, you morons. I had to hit him with a chair."

[NamVet4]

The pope and a lawyer are on the stairway to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened.

St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."

:smash:

[Seebs]

Good one for Spence...

[Green-Is-Good]

I've got one:

What's the biggest disadvantage of bigamy?





























two mother-in-laws

[WackyJacky]

Oh, man, these are good. I'm still cracking up about the pirate one that Robert posted earlier. I told it at work today, and everyone got a big laugh out of it. "Argh! It's drivin' me nuts!" Hee hee hee! http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/blackeye/hihi.gifhttp://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/ruinkai/yelcutelaughA.gifhttp://www.smilies.okipages.com/s/contrib/ruinkai/biglaugh.gifhttp://mysmilies.creativesell.net/contrib/ruinkai/biglaugha.gif

[NamVet4]

"Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized. She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond. As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, “I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?”

No offense meant to any of our distaff memebers who may be blonde :)

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by 74verona
Oh, man, these are good. I'm still cracking up about the pirate one that Robert posted earlier. I told it at work today, and everyone got a big laugh out of it. "Argh! It's drivin' me nuts!" Hee hee hee! http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/blackeye/hihi.gifhttp://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/ruinkai/yelcutelaughA.gifhttp://www.smilies.okipages.com/s/contrib/ruinkai/biglaugh.gifhttp://mysmilies.creativesell.net/contrib/ruinkai/biglaugha.gif

Thank you 'rona! Thank you very much!

[IowaSkinsFan]

No offense to Tom and Minnesota Mike!

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[IowaSkinsFan]

Okay, 1 more!

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

[Green-Is-Good]

:lol1: If there is such a thing as a bad lawyer joke, I don't want to hear it!

[NamVet4]

The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”

“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”

“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”

The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”

:D

[NamVet4]

Mistaken Identity

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

[Green-Is-Good]

:lol1:

[NamVet4]

Passing Football

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, "Hell yah, get a load of this!"
And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.

The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, "Hell yah!" and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.

The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, "Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!"

:smash: :banghead: :twak:

[Minnesota Mike]

Originally posted by robert
No offense to Tom and Minnesota Mike!


Speaking on behalf of myself only and not Tom - no offense taken.

But thanks for your thoughtful consideration.

(Now I have to get back to screwing someone.)

[GeneralDisorder]

q) Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's...?

a) In Iraq.

[GeneralDisorder]

q) Why should you never make fun out of a dwarf with learning diificulties...?

a) Because it isn't big, and it isn't clever.

[GeneralDisorder]

q) Why do elephants have big ears...?

a) Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

[WackyJacky]

Originally posted by GeneralDisorder
q) Why do elephants have big ears...?

a) Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Um...what? Must be a British thing!:whoknows:

[GeneralDisorder]

q) How do you turn a fox into an elephant...?

a) Marry it...

[RedskinRyan]

one day a cop is walking and sees a drunk guy pissing in a fountain. so the cop walks up and tells the drunk to stop and put it back in his pants. when the drunk finishes zipping, he starts to bust out in laughter.
"what's so funny?" asks the cop
"i put it back in my pants, but i didnt stop!"

[RedskinRyan]

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "All right, then. Just tell my wife!"

[GeneralDisorder]

A man pulls up to a petrol station on a very hot day and the young attendant just happened to glance in the backseat, where he sees two penguins.

He says, “Oi mate, it's too hot outside. Those two penguins belong at the zoo...”

“Yep, you're right,” the man said. “Cheers for the advice...”

The next day, the guy comes to buy more petrol and the penguins are standing up on the back seat wearing sunglasses.

The young guy says, “Jesus mate, I thought you said that you were taking them to the zoo...?”

“Well, yeah I know, I took them and they liked it so much that today we're going to the beach...”

[WackyJacky]

LOL, that was funny, General Dis!

Now, could ya please explain the elephant/Noddy one 'cause I totally didn't get it!

[GeneralDisorder]

http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/0563405279.02.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

The Adventures of Noddy are a very series of famous kids' books by Enid Blyton. She's the one who wrote the Famous 5 books...

Now...

q) What is E.T. short for...?

a) Because he's got little legs...

[GeneralDisorder]

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's sat at home twiddling his thumbs.

Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited.

"Sean, I've got some work for you," says the agent... "It's not much, I'll admit - but it's something to tide you over until something big comes along. Only one problem mate, you have to be there early - filming starts around 10 o'clock..."

Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a raquet..."

[GeneralDisorder]

q) Where do squirrels keep their nuts...?

a) In their underpants...

[WackyJacky]

Hoo boy. That ET one had me laughing for a good 5 minutes.

Okay, here are a couple of quick Aggie jokes for you all:

Why do Aggies hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.

Did you hear about the aggie that got locked out of his car?
He spent two hours trying to get his wife and kids out!

Did you hear about the Aggie at the stop sign? Well, he's still
there.

How do you get a Texas A & M graduate off your front porch?
You pay for your pizza!

BTW, I are a Aggie. Gig 'em!

[NamVet4]

A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.

"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."

[NamVet4]

Maybe a little dated......................


Dallas Cowboys

Q: What do they call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: There are 4 Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore?
A: It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

The team doctor said because of Michael Irvin's fractured wrist, it'll be 6 - 8 weeks before he can video tape a team mate having sex.

The Chicago Bears are trying to trade for Michael Irvin. They got rid of the "Refrigerator" and now they want a "Coke Machine".

It was reported today that the artificial turf in Texas Stadium is being replaced because the Cowboys play much better on "grass".

The Dallas Cowboys have adopted a new "Honor System". "Yes, your Honor", "No, your Honor".

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year. 12 arrests and 5 convictions.

In a move to strengthen their defense, the Dallas Cowboys today hired a new defensive coordinator, Johnny Cochran.

Q: How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

[NamVet4]

Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter.

St. Peter questions each man:

St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ?
First man: 210.
St. Peter: Wow! That's really high, maybe we should discuss the theory of Relativity sometime.

St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ?
Second man: 170.
St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the fundamentals of Quantum Mechanics sometime.

St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ?
Third man: 70.
St. Peter: Well... How about those "Cowboys".....

[Minnesota Mike]

Q - What do you call a person who likes to hang out around musicians?

A - a Drummer.

I know a ton more "Drummer jokes" but out of respect for the drummers here I'll leave it at one.

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by Green Is Good
This one is pretty solid:

Two women are training to become CIA agents. One a blond. One a brunette. THe last red-haired.
Their last test is to kill their respective husbands. This proves that they can go through with any mission.
The brunette goes into the room where her husband sits. She can not bring herself to do it. She drops the gun.
The red goes into the room. Same deal.
The blond enters the room. As the blond comes out of the room, she says "you filled it with 15 blanks, you morons. I had to hit him with a chair."

Isn't that 3 women?

[IowaSkinsFan]

A husband is at his wife's funeral. The pall bearers pick up the casket and begin to take it outside. One of them bumps into a wall, they drop the casket, it pops open and the wife pops up and says, "honey, I'm not dead."

Ten years later, the wife dies and once again they are at the funeral. The pall bearers pick up the casket and again proceed to take it outside. The husband says, "hey, watch out for that wall this time!"

[IowaSkinsFan]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive and
the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared to challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

[WackyJacky]

Here's one that one of the guys told at work today:

Poor old Adam was moping around the Garden of Eden, lonely and bored, so God asked him what kind of companion he would like.

Adam went on to describe what he thought was the perfect woman: she must be beautiful (of course), must be able to clean and cook, not talk too much, be willing to do whatever he wanted, etc., etc.

Then Adam asked God, "How much will that cost me?"

God said, "Oh, that'll cost you at least an arm and both legs."

Adam thought it over for a moment, then asked, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"




ba-doom boom

(don't call me a traitor, ladies!)

[Minnesota Mike]

Originally posted by 74verona
Here's one that one of the guys told at work today:

Poor old Adam was moping around the Garden of Eden, lonely and bored, so God asked him what kind of companion he would like.

Adam went on to describe what he thought was the perfect woman: she must be beautiful (of course), must be able to clean and cook, not talk too much, be willing to do whatever he wanted, etc., etc.

Then Adam asked God, "How much will that cost me?"

God said, "Oh, that'll cost you at least an arm and both legs."

Adam thought it over for a moment, then asked, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"




ba-doom boom

(don't call me a traitor, ladies!)


You get what you pay for!

[WackyJacky]

Groan...I am a traitor...

[Green-Is-Good]

She's a witch!!!!

[GeneralDisorder]

News just in...

Reaction to the death of Serial Killer Harold Shipman has been mixed, it was noted yesterday. Whilst relatives of his many victims branded him a 'coward', the prison boxing team announced that they would miss him. Apparently, he had a lethal jab...

http://tinyurl.com/3h9fc

[IowaSkinsFan]

A father and son go into a drug store and the son spots the birth control rack. He asks the father why the condoms come packaged in different quantities.

"Well son, the box of 3 is for undergraduate college students, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday. The box of 6 is for graduate students, 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday. The box of 12 is for a married man, 1 for January, 1 for February......................"

[lightskin]

Okay Moderators, I apologize in advance that my posting is in all caps. Unfortunately that is the way the person sent me the joke.

ONE EVENING DAVID WENT OVER HIS FRIEND TERRY'S HOUSE TO PLAY CARDS WITH SOME FRIENDS.

DAVID SAT DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM TERRY'S WIFE. DAVID DROPPED A CARD ON THE FLOOR AND BENT DOWN TO PICK IT UP. WHEN HE LOOKED ACROSS THE TABLE HE SAW THAT TERRY'S WIFE WAS NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR.

HE SAT UP AND WAS FLUSHED. HE WENT INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET A DRINK OF WATER. TO HIS SURPRISE TERRY'S WIFE HAD FOLLOWED HIM INTO THE KITCHEN AND SAID, "DID YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SAW"? DAVID SAID, "YES I DID". SHE SAID, "WELL YOU CAN GET MORE THAN THAT BUT IT WILL COST YOU $500".

SO DAVID THOUGHT ABOUT HIS FINANCIAL SITUATION AND SAID, "O.K." SHE SAID, "MEET ME HERE TOMORROW AT 2:30 BECAUSE TERRY WILL BE AT WORK THEN. DAVID SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU THEN".

THE NEXT DAY, DAVID CAME OVER, THEY MADE LOVE, HE PAID HER, THEN HE LEFT.

LATER TERRY CAME HOME AND SAID, "HAS DAVID BEEN OVER HERE TODAY"? THINKING SHE HAD BEEN CAUGHT SHE SAID, "AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES". TERRY ASKED, "DID HE LEAVE $500?" SHE SAID, "AS A MATTER OF FACT HE DID".

TERRY SAID, "GOOD BECAUSE THAT FOOL CAME BY MY JOB THIS MORNING AND ASKED TO BORROW $500 TILL THIS EVENING, AND SAID HE WOULD LEAVE IT WITH YOU".

NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYER!!

[JoeDaSchmoe]

That's pretty damn slick. :D

[IowaSkinsFan]

ROTFLMAO!

[hail2skins]

That's a good one lightskin.

[NamVet4]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[lightskin]

Joe worked very hard at his job as a salesperson.
His company had one ticket to the superbowl.
Since he worked so hard, they gave him the ticket.
When he got to the stadium, he noticed that he was closer to the blimp than the turf.
He saw an empty seat on the 10th row. He decided to take that seat.
He avoided security and got to the seat. When he got there,
he asked the person next to him, "Is this seat taken?"
The man said, "No".
Joe said, "Don't you think if you were to buy a seat this close,
you would come to the game?"
The man told him, "That seat is mine."
Joe said "Why did you buy two tickets?"
The man answered, "I bought it for my wife, but she died a few days ago."
Joe said, "Couldn't you get someone to come with you, a realitive, or a close friend?"
The man shook his head and said, "No, they are all at the funeral."

[skinsfanincali]

Lightskin....

ROTFLMAO!!!

Playa, playa...:funpost:

[28thegreat]

Jimmy Joe and Billy Bob were coming back from the football game. Billy Bob looked at the gas gauge and saw they were out of gas. Almost home he pulled into the local gas station where they saw this sign "Guess the Number, Win Free Sex!" When Billy Bob went to pay, he told the attnedant, "I want a shot at the free sex." The attendant said, "Alright, here's the game. I'm thinking of a number from one to ten. You guess the number, you get the sex." Billy Bob thought for a moment and said, "Eight!" The man said, "Nope the number was five." "Wait, wait, wait, I want to try again....three!" The attendant said, "I done told ya, the number was five."

Distraught, Billy Bob went out to the car. When Jimmy Joe saw his forlorn look he said, "You lost didn't ya...that's too bad...my wife was in here three times last week and she won every time!"

[IowaSkinsFan]

good one!

[hail2skins]

Just received this one from a friend:

The perfect Friday excuse!

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

[JoeDaSchmoe]

:lol1: :lol1: :lol1: :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

God, Mike, that was a great one....

[NamVet4]

Originally posted by hail2skins
Just received this one from a friend:

The perfect Friday excuse!

Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

:lol3: :lol1:
Excellent Mike !!!!
WTG ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RedskinRyan]

great, anal galucoma....

need to use that for school

[IowaSkinsFan]

Got to remember that one.

[IowaSkinsFan]

MAD WIFE DISEASE

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up
magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out
cold.

When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"She replied, "Your horse called".

[lightskin]

:lol1:

[IowaSkinsFan]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!".....That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass...That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED. THAT'S AMERICA!

[Green-Is-Good]

:lol1:

[NamVet4]

:lol3: :lol1:

[hail2skins]

Heart

Tim wants to do something special for his girlfriend for Valentine's Day but doesn't know what he should do. He goes to talk to his friend Anthony, who is an artist, to get some advice. Anthony tells Tim he has an idea.

Anthony takes Tim to the store to buy rose pedals and blank cards with roses on them. Anythony writes little love notes on each card and at the end of each, he asked Tim's girlfriend to remove a piece clothing. He also paints a huge heart on Tim's chest. Anthony then creates a path of rose pedals that starts at the front door of Tim's house and ends at the bed in his bedroom. Along the path, Anythony leaves the cards in intervals.

Tim is very excited to surprise his girlfriend and is very appreciative of Anthony's assistance.

Later that evening, Tim's girlfriend arrives at his house. She has a key, so she let herself in. She was pleasantly surprised when she saw the path of rose pedals. She began following the path, reading the cards and removing the garments as was suggested.

When she opened the bedroom door, there was Tim laying on the bed with the huge heart Anthony had painted on him. His girlfriend approached the bed and picked up the last card that Anthony had written.

It stated

"Look honey, I have a heart-on for you"

[Redvan]

A priest, a murderer, and rapist walk into a room.....and that's just the first guy....

[rskinsfan10]

Originally posted by Redvan
A priest, a murderer, and rapist walk into a room.....and that's just the first guy....

:D

[RedskinRyan]

rofl, that is hilarious

[CarMike]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this. When you are faced with this situation, perhaps this old guy's method can work for you:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out of the office and waited several minutes and then re-entered the office.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"

"There is something wrong with my ear," he said.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

[JoeDaSchmoe]

:lol1: :lol1:

[Green-Is-Good]

:lol1:

[hail2skins]

Pretty good Mike. :D

[WackyJacky]

Just Three Words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as some men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[Minnesota Mike]

In the version I first heard of this joke, it was the woman who made the offer. But the price was $300. And the man's response was "Paint my house."

[IowaSkinsFan]

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."


Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."


Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."


Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."


Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."


Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."


Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."


Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

[Green-Is-Good]

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

[Green-Is-Good]

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."

[Redvan]

Green is Good: very nice...very nice my friend.

[BackRow]

Can someone re-post the Pirate joke?

[Green-Is-Good]

HAPPILY MARRIED

........I guess it's best to establish the rules early-on......

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy-cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi-pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"

...And, they lived happily ever after.

[Green-Is-Good]

This is what we can look forward to soon:



ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008



Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."



Operator: "I must have your National ID Number first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."



Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 555-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 555-2302 and your cell number's 555-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"



Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"



Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

CustomerSighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."



Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."



Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"



Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."



Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."



Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."



Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"



Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizza's on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"



Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday" Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"



Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

CustomerSpeechless)



Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke". Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut

[SkinsCT]

That scares the hell out of me, good thing for DiGiorno.

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by BackRow
Can someone re-post the Pirate joke?

Click here! (http://www.hailredskins.com/vbforum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6089)

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by Green Is Good
HAPPILY MARRIED

........I guess it's best to establish the rules early-on......

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy-cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi-pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, D*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?"

...And, they lived happily ever after.

LMAO!

I could see that one coming! Good one GIG!

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by Green Is Good
This is what we can look forward to soon:



ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008



Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."



Operator: "I must have your National ID Number first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."



Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 555-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 555-2302 and your cell number's 555-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"



Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"



Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

CustomerSighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."



Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."



Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"



Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."



Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."



Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."



Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"



Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizza's on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"



Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday" Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"



Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

CustomerSpeechless)



Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke". Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut

Love this one GIG!

[Green-Is-Good]

Thank you, Robert. Here's another:

ONLY IN AMERICA

1.Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America.......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

[Green-Is-Good]

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?

[Green-Is-Good]

Another...

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having
a shot of whiskey, they talk about their own
moonshine operations. Suddenly, a woman at a
nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says
"Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue
and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over
to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her
butt cheek a lap with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent
spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says"Ya know, I'd heard of that
there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never
seen nobody do it!"

[smoot]

a little girl is talking to the mother about god

Little Girl: Mommy, is god a man or a woman?
Mom: Both

Little Girl: Mommy, is god white or black?
Mom:Both honey

Little Girl:Mommy, is god Michael Jackson?

[skinsfanincali]

Originally posted by smoot
a little girl is talking to the mother about god

Little Girl: Mommy, is god a man or a woman?
Mom: Both

Little Girl: Mommy, is god white or black?
Mom:Both honey

Little Girl:Mommy, is god Michael Jackson? :lol1: :lolbig: :lol3:
WAAAAAAAAY too funny! Thanks!

[RedskinRyan]

q: how many ADD kids does it take to scew in a light bulb?

a: wanna go ride a bike?

[natgbz]

Q)What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porche with 2 lawyers in it?

A) The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!

[WackyJacky]

Originally posted by RedskinRyan
q: how many ADD kids does it take to scew in a light bulb?

a: wanna go ride a bike? Hilarious! Can't wait to tell this one at work tomorrow.
http://fool.exler.ru/sm/nzd.gif

[flave1969]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend last winter to thaw out. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs, they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. Howeveer, he accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to Glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read.

TO: My Loving Wife

SUBJECT: I've Arrived.

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that eveerything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking foreward t seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[Green-Is-Good]

Corporate Lesson 1: Share information:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel
and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800
dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, Who
was that?" It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. Great!" the
husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk in a timely fashion with your stakeholders, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2: Always be well informed:
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the
priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek.
Further on, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss
a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3: Respect leadership hierarchy wisely:
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a
puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll
give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want
those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4: Know your position in the corporate structure:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the
crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5: Advancement Strategies:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out
of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

[hail2skins]

Originally posted by flave1969
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend last winter to thaw out. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs, they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. Howeveer, he accidentally left out one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to Glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read.

TO: My Loving Wife

SUBJECT: I've Arrived.

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that eveerything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking foreward t seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

That is funny. :lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

[Green-Is-Good]

Regaining Mental Stability:

Mike and Mary were both patients at a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swiming pool, Mike suddenly jumped in the deep end. He sun k to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. mary promtly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Mike out. When the hopital medical director became of Mary's heroic act he immediatly ordered her to be discharged from the hospital. as he now considered her to be mental stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said "Mary I have good news, and I have bad news. the good news is you are being discharged Because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient I think you've regined your senses. The bad news is Mike, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. Im so sorry but he is dead." Mary replied " He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry"

[hail2skins]

Originally posted by Green Is Good
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

:lol1: :lol1: :lol1:

[Green-Is-Good]

Thank you, h2s.
---------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

[Green-Is-Good]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one
turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't understand how you kin be so
much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids..I
just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock
the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh!t out
of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the
sh!t out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

[hail2skins]

Originally posted by robert
Love this one GIG!

Believe it or not, I took a 2 week management course and we were discussing technology and what it could do for you. Well, the topic of the smart toilet came up. This is real folks.

[WackyJacky]

Originally posted by Green Is Good
"...ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase." LMAO!!!

[CarMike]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?

"She said, "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see"he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzard!"

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by Green Is Good
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one
turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't understand how you kin be so
much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids..I
just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock
the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh!t out
of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the
sh!t out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."

LMAO.

Someone should PM Spence and make sure he is up to date on this thread.

[Green-Is-Good]

The St. Patrick's Day Training Manual

St. Patrick’s Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world’s population that’s Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
However, while we appreciate that those who aren’t Irish wish to join in celebrating the day St. Patrick (real name: Patrick McPuke) drove the serpents out of Ireland using only the power of God, a quart of Jameson and weapons-grade irradiated cobalt, the way most people observe St. Patrick’s Day is offensive and disrespectful. There’s nothing more pathetic than some fat Polack swilling seven Buds mixed with carcinogenic green dye drunkenly arguing that “INXS is authentic Irish music” just before barfing into a plate of corned beef and cabbage.

Let’s face it: most people are in no condition to handle the all-day drunk of St. Patrick’s Day. However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you can enjoy St. Patrick’s Day with no fear that anyone will think you’re not from the Auld Sod, even if your name is Amhed Al Jihad.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that’s where you’ll probably end up.

· 1 quart spring water
· 1 bottle aspirin
· 5 pairs Depends undergarment
· 1 bottle Percocets
· 1 gram morphine sulphate
· 1 oz. human adrenaline extract
· 1 precharged electric defibrillator
· 4 Cardiac needles
· 1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 ozs. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented “Irish Coffee”; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick’s Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since “Boston” in Gaelic means “West Kilarney.” However, almost every city in America has bars called “The Blarney Stone”, “McSomethings”, or “The Dirty Mick.” Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn’t matter. By afternoon, you’ll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.
We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an “Irish Coffee,” as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with Jameson or Bushmill and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It’s lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it’s important to eat something, because like the man said in Blazing Saddles: “Man drink like that, without eating, he is going to die…”

If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you’ll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you’ll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language besides “I’m pregnant”: “You’re shut off.”

By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn’t always turn green because of food coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you’re doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.

By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are:

· ‘Football” really means “Soccer,” and you should be more passionate about it than your wife or husband.
· The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the liffey.

If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours.

You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.

The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn’t matter who you hit or why; no one’s made any sense since 3 o’clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn’t matter since you can’t feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick’s Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren’t physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.

[Spence]

It was so cold in New York this week that several lawyers were spotted walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

[Spence]

Q: How do you tell the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A: Once you're dead, the prostitute will stop screwing you.

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally posted by Spence
It was so cold in New York this week that several lawyers were spotted walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

LOL.

[IowaSkinsFan]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

[Minnesota Mike]

Q- What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A- A good start

(I just completed a conference call with some lawyers that spent 20 minutes debating the use "a" or "the" in drafting some new legislation.)

[syphy]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by NamVet4
[B]Remember this is a family site – adult humor, obscenity and derogatory jokes are not permitted in any form, ie. text, pictures, graphics, and/or links.

DAMN!

I can't tell any of mine I guess hehehe

[syphy]

guess I have ONE clean joke, since we seem to be on the lawyer kick..

What's black and white and looks good on a lawyer?

A Pit Bull


well, maybe two jokes..

Why dont sharks eat lawyers?

They're not cannabalistic

[Minnesota Mike]

Originally posted by syphy


Why dont sharks eat lawyers?

They're not cannabalistic

My answer would have been "professional courtesy"

[WackyJacky]

Q. What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

A. You can't hear a vitamin.





It's a tacky joke, but I love it. Hee hee hee!

[hail2skins]

This was sent to me.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start," This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"


The husband sighed............ "Oh shit, it's started."

[CarMike]

What food makes a woman lose her sex drive?











Wedding Cake....

[IowaSkinsFan]

First time I heard that joke was on my wedding night, told to me by my as yet unmarried brother.

How prophetic!

[Green-Is-Good]

How to replace mouse balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real
memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all
seriousness It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers
rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls
by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger
and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending
upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using
the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off
method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his
balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and
replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer
without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[CarMike]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!

[smoot]

oh man, thats the best ive heard so far, nice

[Green-Is-Good]

I read that one before, but they used Oakland. Still funny, though:D

[IowaSkinsFan]

LOL Mike.

Great one!

[IowaSkinsFan]

I thought I had a case of the crabs!

Turns out I only had 23!

[skinsfanincali]

Two Cowboys fans meet other while walking. One has a bag.
"Jimmy, whatcha got in the bag"
"Shucks, Billy...'t'ain't nothin' but some chickens."
"If I guesses how many ya gots kin I has one of 'em?"
"Heck, if ya guesses right, ya can has both of 'em!"
"OK.....ummmmmm five?"

[NamVet4]

Originally posted by skinsfanincali
Two Cowboys fans meet other while walking. One has a bag.
"Jimmy, whatcha got in the bag"
"Shucks, Billy...'t'ain't nothin' but some chickens."
"If I guesses how many ya gots kin I has one of 'em?"
"Heck, if ya guesses right, ya can has both of 'em!"
"OK.....ummmmmm five?"

:lol1: :lol3:
ROFLMAO !

[skinsfanincali]

You know you are in a bad hotel/motel when you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink."
And the deskperson says, "Go ahead."

[CarMike]

A farmer wakes up one morning and discovers his horses eyes are crosseyed.
He calls the vet, the vet comes out and examines the horse and tells the farmer
"I'm going to take this section of hose and shove it up the horses butt, I want you to go up to the horses head and watch his eyes. I'm going to blow in the hose and you let me know when the horses eyes pop back into place"

"OK" said the farmer.

The vet blows and the farmer says "that did it". The vet charged the farmer $150
and left.

The next morning the farmer wakes up and the horses eyes are crosseyed again.
"Well I ain't payin no $150 to the vet when I can do that myself" So the farmer goes next door and get's his neighbor to help.

The farmer explains "I'm gonna shove this hose up the horses butt and you watch the eyes and tell me when they pop back into place"

Sure thing" said the neighbor.

So the farmer blows into the hose and says "Anything yet?"

"Nope" said the neighbor.

So the farmer tries again, and after several tries the horses eyes stayed crosseyed.

"Let me try" said the neighbor, so they switch ends.

The neighbor pulled the hose out of the horses butt, turned it around and shoved it back in.

"What are you doing?" said the farmer.

The neighbor replied "You don't think I'm going to blow on the same end you did do ya"?

[CarMike]

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term.
The last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers milk," worth 70
points or none at all.
One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to
think of
seven advantages.

He finally wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell
indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...........................


7. It comes in such cute containers.


He got an "A."

[smoot]

While waiting for the final voter recount in Florida, media services questioned the two major presidential candidates today. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

[badpigs442]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?






How do you breathe with that thing.

[CarMike]

Good one badpigs442 :D:D:D:D

[CarMike]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few moments after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're
scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and
every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my privates."

The bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[badpigs442]

:D :D. Juvinille CarMike.....I like it.

[badpigs442]

A man walks into a bar..............Ouch!

[badpigs442]

Farmer- I need a new barn
Buider- Can we knock down the old one and build over it?
Farmer- No I still need that one, i just need another one.
Builder- Well how bout on that hill over there?
Farmer- Noooo. Thats the first place I made love.
Builder- Oh, Ok. How bout under that tree.
Farmer- No not there either.
Builder Why not?
Farmer- Becuase that is where the girls mother was.
Builder- So lemme get this straight, the girls mother just sat there and watched while you did the horizontal mombo with her daughter?
Farmer- Yup.
Builder-What did she say?
Farmer- Baaaahhhhhhh

[Green-Is-Good]

Warning!!!

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK". If
you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any
circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
life completely. If you should happen to come in
contact with this virus, take two friends and go
straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks
immediately and after three rounds, you will find
that WORK has been completely deleted from your
brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least
five friends. Should you realize you do not have
five friends, this means you are already infected by
this virus and WORK already controls your life. If
this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you
make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I
have five friends, but am not entirely positive so
I'm headed for the bar anyway.....it never hurts to
be safe !

[Green-Is-Good]

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removed a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel and in his room, he dials the number.

A lady with a soft silky voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.


The gent says" I'd like a little oral, some missionary work, a little doggie style, some mild bondage, and finishing with whatever your specialty might be. What do you think?

The lady sighs and says, "I think it sounds very intriguing sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[Green-Is-Good]

Let's see if I understand how the world
works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,You blame television.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

[JoeJacksonTaylor28]

Here are some I found somewhere:


Two boys were playing football (in Wash DC area) in a park ,when one boy is savagely attacked by a rottweiler.Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank from a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter,who was strolling by , sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Redskins fan", the boy says
"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from attack," the reporter starts again
"I'm not a Ravens fan either." the boy replied
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks
"I'm a Cowboy fan!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

[Green-Is-Good]

:lol1: Good one, LaVarGreen!

[JoeJacksonTaylor28]

A guy walks into a Dayton bar with a Rotweiler by his side. The dog is wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Cowboys pom pons. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Cowboys receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for 4 years."

[JoeJacksonTaylor28]

The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law
17
It's mid-March and they're *still* on the front page.
16
More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands.
15
Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards.
14
Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running deep routes.
13
To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place during the police lineup.
12
Instead of "first and ten", it's "five to ten, with time off for good behavior."
11
Too many players are only allowed to play in home games.
10
Your Defensive Coordinator is Johnny Cochran.
9
"Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by the Riker's Island Death Row Marching Band."
8
Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly phrased restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone wearing "tight pants and spikes."
7
Players frequently going over to Williams' house to watch "game films."
6
That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn't want your jersey, he wants a gram.
5
The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 24 hours a day.
4
Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange jumpsuits.
3
Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver.
2
Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then he did at Penn State.
1
Your star running back's new position is "spouse of the man with the most cigarettes."

[CarMike]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"








The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.”

[akhhorus]

I got one:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Hey, we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper looks up and says: "You have a drink named Steve?"

[badpigs442]

Why did Bill Parcells cross the road?

Because one of his apendages was lodged in the chicken.

[WackyJacky]

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares,
"Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[CarMike]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! What are the three
tests?"

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...

OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila... the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE ... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth ..you have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse .. You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned . "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks ... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..." The man has a few drinks ... then a few more .. Finally...he asks ... "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT! TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp ....Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...

Next .. he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up.
The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside ....They hear the pit bull barking ... the guy screaming ... the pit bull yelping .. And then ....... SILENCE ... Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar... with his shirt ripped ...and large, bloody , scratches all over his body...

"NOW........" he says..."WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!?!?

[akhhorus]

I got one:

A drunk stumbles around a party and finds the host, who says: "Yes?"
the drunk, slurring his words, says: "Can I ask a question?"
The host says: "Sure"
The drunk, now shakes his drink as he holds it up for the host says: "Can lemons whistle?"
the host says: "No..."
so the drunk says: "Oh hell, I just squeezed your canary into my gin and tonic"..

[CarMike]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

[RedskinRyan]

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.

[JoeJacksonTaylor28]

There's a guy from Washington, DC (Redskins fan) driving from DC to Dallas, and a guy from Dallas (Cowboys fan) driving from Dallas to DC. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Redskins fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Cowboys fan scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Cowboy fan walks over to the Redskin and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals. The Redskin fan thinks for a moment and says, " You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm going to see what else survived this wreck."
So the Redskins fan pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Cowboys fan, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship."
The Cowboys fan says, "You're damn right!" and grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half of the bottle the Cowboys fan hands it back to the Redskins fan and says, "Your turn!"
The Redskins fan twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

[badpigs442]

This joke should not be read by anyone who is offended by the male reproductive organ and its fuctions, as well if you like Bill Parcells.

After several rough seasons in the NFL Bill Parcells was fired by the Dallas Cowboys.
Because he spent all of his money on things he shouldn't have he became broke. After several
other former NFL coaches began experiencing the same struggles Parcells, Mike Ditka, and Jimmy Johnson
all began robbing banks. After they knocked off their fourth bank in two weeks the ex-coaches began getting
Sloppy and arrogant. WHen they robbed their fifth bank all three of them thought it would be funny to expose themselves to the people at the bank. As they escaped one of the security guards saw their car.
The police put out an APB on the car and eventually the ex-coaches were pulled
over. The only lead they had on these guys was that their reproductive organs added up to 20 inches.
They knew they were caught. One buy one the officer took the men to a private spot
and checked their size. After all the men had been mesured the officer came back and told them ot their surprise they were no longer suspects.
As the men drove away Ditka exclaimed he was glad to be blessed
with a 10 inch dong, Johnson said that he was happy to have a 9 inch shlong and Parcells just said
"man I'm glad I took Viagra".

[RedskinRyan]

rofl

[Green-Is-Good]

> A blonde went into a world wide message center to
> send a message to her
> mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost
> $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money.
> But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my Mother."
>
> The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
> "Anything?" he asked.
> "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
>
> "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he
> walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she
> was told and followed the man.
>
> "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
> Now get on your knees." She did.
>
> "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead
> ... take it out ...." She reached in and grabbed it
> with both hands, then paused. The man closed his
> eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."
>
> The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer...and
> while holding it close to her lips tentatively
> said... "Hello, Mom can you hear me?"

[Green-Is-Good]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took
his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in
just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she
became his stepmother. (When will guys EVER learn?!)

[Green-Is-Good]

> > > > TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A
CHEAPER HMO
> > > > (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
> > > >
> > > > (9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you
> > > > enter the trailer park."
> > > >
> > > > (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
> > > >
> > > > (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
> > > >
> > > > (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is " An
> > > > apple a day."
> > > >
> > > > (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
> > > > Goodwill last month.
> > > >
> > > > (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges,"
> > > > is not a typographical error.
> > > >
> > > > (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
> > > >
> > > > (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
> > > > tape.

[badpigs442]

[QUOTE=Green Is Good> > > > AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
> > > > tape.[/QUOTE]

That is a hoot!

[RedskinRyan]

the last 2 are funny

[Skin Tight]

How bout a pick up line....

Hey baby, why don't we play like a couple of ghosts and go wear some sheets out.

I may not be Fred Flinstone but I can make the bedrock!

[RedskinRyan]

"can you hear me now? good!"

[RedskinRyan]

whoops, wrong thread lol

q: how come g-unit couldnt get on the bus?
a: they didnt have 50 cent

[RedskinRyan]

why is it called pms?

because mad cow disease was already taken

[badpigs442]

>How The French Military Uniform Evolved
>
>A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The
>French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters,
>the French general began to question him.
>
>The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
>Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot
>at?"
>
>In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
>English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood
>won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
>
>And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown
>pants.

[badpigs442]

>Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on the Jack Nicklaus course
>in
>Montana.
>This course had a particularly difficult hole,
>and Moses expressed his doubts that
>Jesus could make the shot over the water.
>
>"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus.
>"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
>and if Arnold Palmer can do it,
>then so can I."
>
>Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try.
>Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water.
>Moses parted the water for Jesus,
>who went in to retrieve his ball.
>
>Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
>
>"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer
>do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."
>
>True to form, however,
>Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.
>Moses parted the water,
>and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.
>
>"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like,
>but I'm not parting the water for you! again."
>
>"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.
>"But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
>and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."
>
>Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water.
>Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.
>
>Another group of golfers came up behind Moses
>and saw Jesus walking on the water.
>"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses.
>"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?"
>
>"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes.
>"He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[Skins57]

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[RedskinRyan]

ewwwwwwwww

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[IowaSkinsFan]

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

LMAO!

Good one.

[IowaSkinsFan]

ewwwwwwwww

One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

LOL.

[RedskinRyan]

Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older.
A: They're cramming for their finals.

[Skins57]

>How The French Military Uniform Evolved
>
>A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The
>French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters,
>the French general began to question him.
>
>The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
>Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot
>at?"
>
>In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason
>English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood
>won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
>
>And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown
>pants.


that is funny. good one

[GolfFreak]

Here's one ... I appologize if this was already posted:


Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[IowaSkinsFan]

Here's one ... I appologize if this was already posted:


Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

I like this version better......someone else told it is a George Bush version. Didn't understand it then. Now it makes good sense!

[IllinoiSkinFan]

A guy walks into a bar, goes over to the barkeep, and orders a beer.
The bartender and the guy are talking when the guy notices a jar filled with twenty dollar bills. The guy ask the bartender what is the deal with the jar.
The bartender explains "For twenty buck you can have one chance at making my donkey laugh. The donkey is outside and around back." The guy takes the barkeep up on the challenge, give him twenty dollars, and goes around back" The guy approaches the donkey and wispers something in his ear. The donkey then starts laughing so hard is rolls over on it back and starts flailing about. Astonished the barkeep hands over the jar full of cash. The guy then leaves with the jar.

About a year later... The same guys enters the same bar. The barkeep reconizes him and pours him a beer. While they chat the guy can't help but notices that there is another jar full of twenty dollar bills! He looks at the barkeep and asks if it is the same deal as before. The barkeep explains to him that now you have to make the donkey cry to get the cash. The guy smiles. give the twenty to the barkeep, and goes around back. The guy approaches the donkey and with his back to the barkeep unzips his fly. A moment later the guy is zipping up his fly and the donkey start to cry hyserically. The guy ask the barkeep for the jar. "You can have it! but firt you must tell me how you made the donkey first laugh and then cry"
The Guy states, "That's easy, the first time I wispered to the donkey that my manhood was bigger then his, The second time I proved it to him!"

[Green-Is-Good]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.



The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph they go. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 65 mph.



"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"



The wife at last replies, in a quiet and controlled voice. "Nope, I've got everything I need." she says.



"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"



Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles... "The airbag."

[Green-Is-Good]

A guy from Canada walks into a bar in Arkansas, and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see
some pitiful Yankee from up north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a is a
taxidermist?

" Do you drive a taxi? "

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!

[Green-Is-Good]

torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation. As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.

The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."

Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."

So where all have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?"

"Well, I've been to .


the Methodist Church,

the Baptist Church,

the Episcopal Church,

the Presbyterian Church,

the Lutheran Church,

the Catholic Church,

the Orthodox Church,

the Assembly of God Church,

the Brethren Church,

the Quaker Church,

the Pentecostal Church,

the Charismatic Church,


the Mennonite Church,

the Church of Christ..."

"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?

[RedskinRyan]

i like the canadian in a bar joke

[RedskinsFanInTX]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and
yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[TwistyNiblet]

So an old man walks into a confessional and says "Father, I am 87 years old, been married for 67 years. I've always remained faithful to my wedding vows and stayed true to my wife, but last night, I had sex with two 17-year-olds." So the Priest says, "Tell me my child, how long has it been since your last confession?" The old man replies, "I don't go to confession, I'm Jewish." The Preist, very confused, asks, "So why are you telling all this to ME?" The old man runs out of the confessional, "I'M TELLING EVERYONE!!!"

[RedskinsDave]

THE DANGER OF EATING BREAD
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone. I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.

PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

REMEMBER: "Think globally, act idiotically."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Green-Is-Good]

That was frickin' hilarious, Dave! :lol1:

[IowaSkinsFan]

A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who's it is?"

[IowaSkinsFan]

An old(er) woman is sitting on a park bench. Getting up there in age she tends to forget things from time to time and as luck would have it, she left the house today in a dress, minus one important article of clothing. Her underwear.

So an elderly man about the same age, a little hard of hearing is walking by and notices the woman's absence of said article of clothing and proceeds to sit next to her on the park bench.

A few minutes pass and the woman takes out a bottle of pills and takes one from the bottle and swallows it. After doing so, she looks over at the man on the bench sitting next to her and says : "I have acute angina." The man replies : "I know, that's why I sat down!"

[IowaSkinsFan]

A man had a cat his whole life.

One day, he had to go out of town for a business trip, and left the cat with his brother. On the first night, he called his brother to check on the cat. His brother told him the cat was dead.

“What!?”, said the man, “What happened?”

His brother said, “Well, he got out during that ice storm and climbed on the roof. It took a long time to get him down, and as a result, he got sick and died.”

The man said, “I understand how that happened, but you know, you could have been a little more sensitive about telling me.”

“What do you mean?” asked the brother.

“What I mean is tonight you could have told me that the cat got out and on the roof, then tomorrow night tell me he was sick, then by the third night told me he died. That way I could have been more prepared.”

“You’re right”, said the brother. “I’m sorry."

“That’s OK. Let's move on. How’s mom?”

The brother replied, “Well, um, she’s on the roof…”

[IowaSkinsFan]

A young boy goes to see his grandfather at the nursing home. When he gets there, he sees that all of the residents are in the recreation room just sitting around doing nothing. Suddenly, someone yells out the number 22 and everyone starts laughing.

The boy asked his grandfather what was going on, and the old man told him that they've all been in the home for so long that instead of telling an entire joke, the residents just numbered them. Now if anyone wants to tell a joke, they just yell out the corresponding number.

The boy was intrigued with the game, so he asked if he could try. The grandfather told him to go ahead, so the boy hollered out the number 28. Nobody even smiled." The boy decided to try again and yelled out 32. At this, many of the residents began getting up and walking out. Confused, the boy asked his grandfather what was going on.

"Well boy," said the old man, "you know what they say, some people can tell 'em, some can't."

[IowaSkinsFan]

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his unit. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his unit. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[NamVet4]

A women walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
She asks "what are you doing".
"Hunting flies" he responds.
She asks "kill any".
"Yep" his says, "3 males and 2 females".
She asks "How could you know that?"
He says "easy, I killed 3 of them on a beer can, and the other two on the phone."
:Peace:

[IowaSkinsFan]

A women walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
She asks "what are you doing".
"Hunting flies" he responds.
She asks "kill any".
"Yep" his says, "3 males and 2 females".
She asks "How could you know that?"
He says "easy, I killed 3 of them on a beer can, and the other two on the phone."
:Peace:

LOL. Good one Andrew.

[J-Rod]

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. They have great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game he asks her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all the tight pants and muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were all killing each other over twenty-five cents."

Dumbfounded, the boyfriend asks, "what do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLLO!!! It's only twenty-five cents. I'd hate to see what they would do for a DOLLAR!!!"

[J-Rod]

A bartender notices a man walking into his bar with a monkey on his shoulder. As soon as the man sits down, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and goes over to the pool table only to grab the cueball and swallow it whole.

Astonished, the bartender asks, "What in the hell did he do that for?"

"Oh, that's how he eats everything...swallows it whole," the man replies as he gathers up his monkey and heads out the door.

A week later the man walks back into the bar with the monkey still on his shoulder. When he reaches the bar the monkey jumps down, grabs a peanut from the bowl on the bar, sticks it up his a$$, then eats it.

"Man, that's disgusting!!! Why the hell did he do that?" the bartender asks.

"Oh, it's okay, after the cueball incident he just needs to make sure what he puts in one hole will come out of the other."

[IowaSkinsFan]

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost so she lowers her altitude and spots a man in a boat below.

She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault."

[Minnesota Mike]

George W. Bush gets off the helicopter at the White House. He is carrying a pig under each arm. One of the Marines salutes him and says "Nice pigs Mr. President."

Bush says "These aren't just pigs. These are West Texas Razorbacks. I got one for Mr. Cheney and one for Mr. Rumsfield."

The Marine salutes again and this time he says "Nice trade, Mr. President."

[tommahawk]

Last summer Tom met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see, Tom replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off

[padraic]

Q. How many beans are in a can of Boston Baked Beans?


















A. 239 cause if there was one more it would be TWO - FADee

[GolfFreak]

Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'llgive you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest appologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is at risk." Arriving at the convent the nun got out gave him a meaningful glace and went on. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said,"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. " "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[IndianBaller27]

so then..... he comes in there and i said, "look ***** i'm rick james."

[B'More Skinsfan]

A Polish man walks into a business and orders two polish sausages. The guy behind the counter replies,"You must be Polish." The Polish man becomes very indignant and says "If I ordered french fries, would you ask if I were French? If I ordered Saurkraut, would you ask if I were German?" The guy behind the counter said "No I wouldn't". The Polish man asks "then why did you say I was Polish?" The guy behind the counter replied " Because you are in Home Depot."

[GolfFreak]

The Man Code

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be.... The CODE

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and
should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULLSHIT (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and
slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy
is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal
is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. * You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able
to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining
the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers it...
and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think,
"What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin",
then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set
and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations,
a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may
not join him...too gay.

[Minnesota Mike]

The Man Code

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be.... The CODE

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.



or Beaches

[hockeygoalie29]

or Gigli

[GolfFreak]

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats:

A Republican and a Democrat
were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to
come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his
pocket
and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless
person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and
gave
him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the
Republican's
pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees
and
gave the homeless person five.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

[GolfFreak]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started
the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you will not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body". As an example, the
professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anal cavity of
the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the
same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated
for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the
arse of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the
professor looked at the students and told them, "The second most
important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked
on my index finger. "Now learn to pay attention."

[NamVet4]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own - so does she.

[davaj]

Maybe a little dated......................


Dallas Cowboys

Q: What do they call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

Q: There are 4 Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore?
A: It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

The team doctor said because of Michael Irvin's fractured wrist, it'll be 6 - 8 weeks before he can video tape a team mate having sex.

The Chicago Bears are trying to trade for Michael Irvin. They got rid of the "Refrigerator" and now they want a "Coke Machine".

It was reported today that the artificial turf in Texas Stadium is being replaced because the Cowboys play much better on "grass".

The Dallas Cowboys have adopted a new "Honor System". "Yes, your Honor", "No, your Honor".

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year. 12 arrests and 5 convictions.

In a move to strengthen their defense, the Dallas Cowboys today hired a new defensive coordinator, Johnny Cochran.

Q: How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights


Ok. Had to make one up for this.

Q: How is Michael Irvins personal life just like his professional life ?
A: In both he spends a lot of time near hash lines.

[Redblood]

The curtain rods


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.


Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

:lol1:

[Redblood]

There were three friends: a priest, a preacher and a rabbi. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Welllll," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him, Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's space the HOOOOULY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOULD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOULY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says, "The preaching was easy, but the bear got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

[GolfFreak]

ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer

Remember ABBOTT and COSTELLO Jokes? Hope you enjoy this one. In today's world, Bud ABBOTT and Lou COSTELLO's famous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write
proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch

them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

[Redblood]

Granpa quit smoking at 62, and started walking five miles a day.


He's 96 now, and our family has no idea where he is now!

[Redblood]

My grandpa, an Italian imigrant, retired quite wealthy, and owned dozens of horses.

A friend came over and wanted to buy a particular horse.

Granpa told him: "That horse, he don't look so good!"

The friend offered $350 for the horse.

Granpa told him: "That horse, he don't look so good!"

The friend offered him $1,000.

Granpa told him: "OK, but the horse, he don't look so good!"

The friend took the horse home, rode him, and the horse ran smack into the fence. The friend helped the horse up, and re-mounted and ran smack into the other fence.

The friend brought the horse back to grandpa, and complained that he had sold him a Blind horse!

Granpa said: "I told you, the horse, he don't look so good!"

[tommahawk]

We can normally count on a peppy creche controversy to add to the seasonal joy and festive cheer. This occurs when some citizen or public official suffering from an excess of Goodwill Toward Men puts up a religious symbol, often a creche, on public property. Then the ACLU or somebody files a lawsuit, and everybody gets mad at everybody else, leading to slightly less Peace On Earth. As Ann Richards once observed of a controversial star on top of the Texas state capitol: "Oh, I hate to see them take that down. This could be the only chance we'll ever get to find three wise men in that building."

[smoot]

lol, good to see somebody dug this thread up out of the archives

[tbfoster1]

Snappy Answers




Wish I could have these type of snappy answers when the need arose...........


Snappy Answer #1**

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2 **

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3 *****

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4*

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5***

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find! his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "*** !" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ...

Snappy Answer #6****

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Redblood]

The Government


A large government agency recently hired several cannibals under a special
hiring authority. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during
the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits, and you can go to
the cafeteria for something to eat; but please do not eat any of the other
employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
very satisfied with you. However, one of our Loan Servicing Assistants has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all
shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals
said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Loan Servicing
Assistant?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one
noticed anything. But nooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone important."

[Redblood]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor,
when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear
Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Redblood]

Pecans in the Cemetery


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan
tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the
Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead
of the boy on the bike!

[Redblood]

Subject: What do women really want?


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?


What would YOU do?


What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?









Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is: ..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

[Redblood]

Subject: Eye exam



A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has
to take an eye sight test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters :

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

[Redblood]

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, asked "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!"

Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

[IndianBaller27]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

(Funniest part....)



The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Redblood]

Subject: FW: What's in a name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced
Peek-a-boo) Street is not just
an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in
the
Intensive Care Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.

However, she is not permitted to answer the
telephone
while she is at work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would
answer the phone and say:
"Picabo, ICU ".

A good clean story is hard to find these days

[IndianBaller27]

Subject: Eye exam



A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has
to take an eye sight test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters :

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."
:lol1: I don't reading the other ones... Too long and too early.

[IndianBaller27]

Subject: FW: What's in a name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced
Peek-a-boo) Street is not just
an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in
the
Intensive Care Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.

However, she is not permitted to answer the
telephone
while she is at work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would
answer the phone and say:
"Picabo, ICU ".

A good clean story is hard to find these days
hahaha

[RedskinRyan]

did you hear the eagles are finally going to the super bowl this year?

andy reid bought tickets for all the players

[Carmelo]

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathmatician??????


















He worked it out with a pencil!

[ihatedallas]

Subject: FW: What's in a name

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced
Peek-a-boo) Street is not just
an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works in
the
Intensive Care Unit
of a large metropolitan hospital.

However, she is not permitted to answer the
telephone
while she is at work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would
answer the phone and say:
"Picabo, ICU ".

A good clean story is hard to find these days

:lol1: that was a good one

[GolfFreak]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[GolfFreak]

Subject: Six Lessons for People in Corporate America!

Corporate Lesson #1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the door-bell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the door-bell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Corporate Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.




Corporate Lesson #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Corporate Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Corporate Lesson #6
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass.

[Redblood]

Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut. But the door still didn't close.

Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

[Redblood]

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Georgia Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be cops, eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile photograph of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile photograph of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you see anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[Redblood]

They're Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[RedskinRyan]

i love those

[hail2skins]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[IMALILTEAPOT]

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[RedskinRyan]

Breaking News: Michael Jackson has checked into the Betty Ford clinic. His reps say it's to cure him of his 12-year-old crack habit.

[C-7]

Al Capone's gang use to deposit money everyday in the same bank. In front of that bank, there was a small park were an old deaf/mute man begged for change everyday.

One day, the suitcase with the money disappears. Somebody steals and hides it right there in the park. The old deaf/mute man sees everything so a few of Capone’s hoodlums snatch him off his bench and take him to a dark room with a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling.

A big, tough hoodlum who knows how to communicate with signs starts the interrogation. Using hand signs, the hoodlum asks the old man were the money is. The old man shakes his head, so the hoodlum punches him very hard, knocking him down off his chair. The hoodlum picks him up and asks him again. Again the old man shakes his head, and again the hoodlum hits him.

After several hour of this, Al Capone arrives, restless and impatient. He walks up to the old man and pulls out his gun. After putting it to the old deaf/mute mans head, he says to the hoodlum:

“Tell him if he doesn’t tell us where the money is, I’ll blow his head off-”

The hoodlum gives the message. The old man gets really scared and starts making many different signs that, obviously, only the hoodlum could understand. He tells him exactly were the money is hidden.

“So, what did he say?” Al Capone asks the hoodlum.

The hoodlum responds “He says he’s not scared of you, and that you’re not man enough to shoot him.”

[leave_scars]

How do you circumcise a redneck ?

Kick his sister in the mouth.....

[Redblood]

Subject: Fw: Father-Daughter Talk
>
>
> >
> > A young woman was about to finish her first year of
> >
> > college. Like so many others her age she considered
> >
> > herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for
> >
> > distribution of all wealth.
> >
> >
> >
> > She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather
> >
> > staunch Republican which she expressed openly. One day
> >
> > she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
> >
> > opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the
> >
> > addition of more government welfare programs. Based on
> >
> > the lectures that she had participated in and the
> >
> > occasional chat with a professor she felt that for
> >
> > years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even
> >
> > selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
> >
> >
> >
> > The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her
> >
> > professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to
> >
> > her father.
> >
> >
> >
> > He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was
> >
> > doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that
> >
> > she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough
> >
> > to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had
> >
> > time to go out and party like other people she knew.
> >
> >
> >
> > She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't
> >
> > really have many college friends because of spending
> >
> > all her time studying. That she was taking a more
> >
> > difficult curriculum.
> >
> >
> >
> > Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good
> >
> > friend Mary doing?"
> >
> >
> >
> > She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She
> >
> > continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and
> >
> > all she takes are easy classes and she never studies."
> >
> > "But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for
> >
> > her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the
> >
> > time and very often doesn't even show up for classes
> >
> > because she is too hung over."
> >
> >
> >
> > Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go
> >
> > to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off
> >
> > your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a
> >
> > 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0
> >
> > GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal
> >
> > distribution of GPA."
> >
> >
> >
> > The daughter visibly shocked by her father's
> >
> > suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair!
> >
> > I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary
> >
> > has done little or nothing, she played while I worked
> >
> > real hard!"
> >
> >
> >
> > The father slowly smiled, winked and said,
> >
> >
> >
> > "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[Redblood]

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender;
For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control - - Female......
Ha! You thought it'd be male. But, consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push he keeps trying.

[RedskinRyan]

rofl those are hilarious

[tbfoster1]

>A mother and father took their 5 year old son to a

> >> > > > > nude beach. As the boy

> >> > > > > walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the

> >> > > > > ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked her why. She told her

> >> > > > > son, "Well, the bigger they are the dumber the person is."

> >> > > > >

> >> > > > > Her answer satisfied the curiosity of the little boy

> >> > > > > and he went back out to play on the beach.



Soon he returns to tell his mother that he noticed that

> >> > > > > many of the men have larger willies than his dad.

> >> > > > > His mother replied, "Well honey, the bigger they are the dumber the person

> >> > > > > is."

> >> > > > >

> >> > > > > Again satisfied with her explanation, the boy

> >> > > > > returns to the beach to play. Shortly after, the boy came running in to see his

> >> > > > > Mother and promptly exclaims, "Mom! This is sooo cool! Daddy is talking



> >> > > > > to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Redblood]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%.

The instructor went on to say, " I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[RedskinRyan]

why didnt ray charles go to heaven?

he couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel

[PGiddy18]

Nobody Believes Old People....
Everyone thinks old people are senile. An elderly couple, childhood sweethearts, married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are now celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it, so they take it home. There, she counts the money
and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says. "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it up in the attic.

The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, " She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Okay, Joe, next house!

[PGiddy18]

I just had this one sent to me. Not meant to offend anybody, but i thought it was funny.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[RedskinRyan]

ROFL that last one is hilarious