The New Joke Thread....

[CarMike]

Seeing as how the old joke thread had over 400 posts, and going a long with moving certain threads that has a ton of posts, I've decided to start a new thread.

The old Joke Thread can be found in the archive forum.

http://hailredskins.com/vbforum/showthread.php?t=6175

Here's one I just read....

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately Shit my pants!"

[RedskinRyan]

and you DEFINITLY forgot to change the curse word in there

[GolfFreak]

How about merging the "trade LaVar" threads into this thread ... just a suggestion.

[CarMike]

Originally Posted by GolfFreak

How about merging the "trade LaVar" threads into this thread ... just a suggestion.

[C-7]

There was an old timer who lived in a small Western City all alone with his dog, Bobby. The man loved and was very proud of his dog. The dog loved him, followed him everywhere and was very loyal. The dog, Bobby, could also do quite a few tricks. The Old timer loved his Bobby and Bobby loved his master.


One day a big city commercial director was driving through the small, dusty town and stopped to get gas. He got into a conversation with one of the employees there, told him that he did commercials and that he was currently looking for a cute, smart dog for his next commercial. So, obviously, the employee told him about the old timer and his dog.

When the big shot director got to the old timers house and told him about the commercial, the old man was thrilled!

"Yes," he said, "Bobby is a very smart dog. Bobby! Come here!"

The dog bounced over. The director looked at Bobby. The dog didn't look too smart, but if he could a few cool tricks, it could still work out.

"What can he do?" The director asked.

"What can he do?," laughed the old man. "Well, just about anything."

The director was stunned. "Show me," he said.

The old man man thought for a bit. He saw dollar bills in his mind. He would get rich. He just had to impress this big city dude. Hmm, what could he do?

"You know what?" The old man said. "This dog is so smart that, if I tell him to, he'll (ok, I can't say this so I'll just put: fellatio.)"

The director was literally speechless. He was about to get up and leave, but decided to stay, just to see if this crazy old man was telling the truth.

"Bobby" said the old timer, "show that special trick of yours to this nice man."

Bobby sat still. He didn't move.

"Come on, Bobby! Do that trick"

The dog looked dumbly at his master, then at the director.

"Bobby, do that trick"

The director grew impatient. "I'm outta here!" He said.

"Wait, wait!" cried the man. "Bobby! Do the trick."

No reaction from the dog.

Finally, angry and imaptient, the old man got on his knees in front of the director's chair, looked at the dog and said: "Okay, Bobby, but this is the last time I show you how it's done."

[RedskinRyan]

disturbing, yet funnt

[C-7]

Originally Posted by RedskinRyan

disturbing, yet funnt

Oh, well. I know worse.

[C-7]

You know the one about the stingiest man on Earth?


This is a story about Isaac, the stingiest man in the world. He was so cheap he wouldn't buy anything unless he absolutely had to and even then would buy the worst and least expensive.

Very stingy dude.


Well, after 55 years of marriage, Isaac's wife, Sarah, died.

When the time came to place the information in the official obituary, the man in charge told him they charged 5 dollars per word.

"Fine," Isaac said reluctantly "Put the following: Sarah Died"


"No, no" the manager of the paper said. "I'm sorry, sir, but there is a 6 word minimum. Besides, sir, you should add something else. Something nice, that refers to her life, that says something about her. Also, you should add the year of birth and death."


"No," Isaac said stubbornly, "Just put Sarah Died"

"Sorry, sir. 6 Word minimum"

The discussion went on and on until Isaac finally realized that he would have to yield to the paper's regulations.

"Fine," he said. "Let me think about it. I'll call you back."

Two hours later, Isaac dialed the paper again.

"I got it!" he said, "Put down the following: Sarah Died, Honda Civic For Sale"

[tbfoster1]

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[DCGreys]

Originally Posted by CarMike

Seeing as how the old joke thread had over 400 posts, and going a long with moving certain threads that has a ton of posts, I've decided to start a new thread.

The old Joke Thread can be found in the archive forum.

http://hailredskins.com/vbforum/showthread.php?t=6175

Here's one I just read....

Are they going to make a movie on this joke also?

[RedskinRyan]

why do they call it PMS?

because mad cow disease was already taken.....

[Redblood]

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your e-mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve.'

[Redblood]

For my 350th post:

A wooden legged pirate walks into a Bar with a parrot on his shoulder, an eye-patch over one eye, a big Ships Steering wheel coming out the front of his pants, and asks the barkeep for a cold one.

After a few, the barkeep asks the pirate: "You have a ships wheel coming out of your pants?"

"Aye matey!" says the Pirate. "And it's driving me nuts!"

[Redblood]

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The
counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've
been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the
woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly
in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what
your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here
Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."

[TupaFan]

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.


FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the
game before helping around the house.


NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing'
usually end in "Fine"


GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.


LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"


THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.



Almost forgot "Whatever"...it's a woman's way of saying drop dead!