The New Joke Thread....

[skins lady]

Originally Posted by tbfoster1

BEDTIME POEMS --For BIG Kids



JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.





MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread







SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"







HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.









HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.







GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

Another version of this is:
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pale of water
I don't know what happened up there
but now they have a daughter

[Redblood]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

[Redblood]

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed her
self off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to
pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove
me either!"

[Redblood]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first
boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it
a poem; they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper; he calls it a song and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper; he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"

[Redblood]

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive; I don't
want them to take me out when I'm dead."

[Redblood]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

[Redblood]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby
sitter."

[Redblood]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy
father and thy mother" she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

[Redblood]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

[Redblood]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation, determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blond passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning Father", Good Morning Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again they settled on the beach in the chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After awhile the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. (They were glad they were wearing sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually with "Good Morning Father", and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes"? she replied. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's me, Sister Angela."

[Redblood]

Dear Ma & Pa,

Am well. Hope yu are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marin Corpses beats workin for ol' man Minch by a mile. Tell'm to join up quick before maybes all of the places are full! I was resless at first cause you gots to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am gettn used to sleepin lat. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do 'fo breakfas is smooth your cot 'n shine som things. No hogs ta slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay, practicly nothin! Men got to shave, but it's notso bad, they gets warm water! Breakfas is strong on trimmins like fruit juice, ceral, eggs, bacon, insuch, but it's kinda weak on chops, taters, ham, steak, fried eggplant, possum pie and other reglar food! But tell em both, they kan always sit 'tween two city boys, that just like to live on coffee. There food, plus yours, holds ya till noon, when ya gets fed agin! Its no wonder des city boys cant walk so much! Wes go on "route" marches, which the Platoon segent says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tellhim diffrent, 'tho, a "route march" is bout far as to tha mailbox, or down ta the crik! Thin the city boys gets sore feet an we all gets to ride back in truks! The country is nice, but awful flat! The sergant is like a schoolticher, cause he nags some! The captain's like tha school board, and majas an kernals jus ride around and frown, but they don bother us none. This nex will kill Walt and Elmer with lafter! I keep gettin medals for shootin! I don no wy? The bulls-I is near as big as a chipmumk and don't evn move! An it aint evn shootin at ya, like the Higget boys at home! All ya gotta do is lie thar all comfabal and hit it! Ya don even load yor own cartridg! Thes cum in boxes! Be sur to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry and jan up 'for other fellas gets into this setup and come stampeedn in!

Yor lovin daugter, Gail Jean!

[tbfoster1]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[redskin_rich]

15. Alabama Jones and the Last Beer Run

14. S*O*U*R*M*A*S*H

13. Thelma-Louise

12. Back to the Future IV: I'm My Own Daddy!

11. 9 1/2 Teeth

10. Three to Tango-But Two Have to Hold the Cow Steady So
You Don't Get Knocked Off The Foot Stool

9. And the Band Played "Freebird"

8. Three Brides for Seven Brothers

7. Dog, Ma

6. Honey, I Blew My Cousin!

5. Three Men and Ned Beatty

4. Austin Texas: The Uncle Who Shagged Me

3. Being John Deere

2. How Stella Got Her Tooth Back

1. The Green Smile

[redskin_rich]

(if you can't take a joke, please don't read any further)



(1) What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SAT's
---Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Florida cheerleaders in one room?
----A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?
----Grease her hips and push like hell.

(4) How do you get a South Carolina graduate off your porch?
----Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs?
----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why do they no longer serve ice at Georgia football games?
-----The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

(7) Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

(8) What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's
life?
------His freshman year.

(9) How many Arkansas freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
-----None.....That's a sophomore course at Arkansas.

AND FINALLY
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
--You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and
picking up trash the rest of the week.



-

[redskin_rich]

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens or criminals wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer
now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail."