The New Joke Thread....

[TupaFan]

Originally Posted by GolfFreak

This is funny, but dumb --> http://www.funlol.com/funpages/killerwhale.html

This is hilarious --> http://www.funlol.com/funpages/gamesforblondes.html

Now, these offend me too!!

[tbfoster1]

You are a South African bush pilot. You fly in some critical medical supplies; enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder.

On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade within 1 mile has become very popular.

You start calculating the distance to the plane door and wonder . . .


"Do I feel lucky today?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

[swheeler]

That's an incredible picture

[GolfFreak]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with That.

4) Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5) Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6) In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7) Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8) Don't Use Any Punctuation

9) As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10) Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11) Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12) Sing Along At The Opera.

13) Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14) Put ! Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical
Sounds All Day.

15) Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16) Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17) When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18) When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19) Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

[tbfoster1]

Originally Posted by GolfFreak

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

I really want to try this

[TupaFan]

I've seen that one before!!

[redskin_rich]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,
one by one -
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."
The teacher fainted..

[RedskinRyan]

rich, i hope to use that line the next date i go on

[tommahawk]

> >Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and
> >their small children.
> >
> >"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said,
> >"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
> >
> >He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
> >manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
> >
> >He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too,
> >manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
> >
> >At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand
> >and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're leaving..."

[tommahawk]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for
> > >> speeding, and the trooper started to lecture
> > >> the farmer about his speed, and in general
> > >> began to throw his weight around to try to
> > >> make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the
> > >> trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
> > >> and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
> > >> some flies that were buzzing around his head.
> > >>
> > >> The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle
> > >> flies there, are ya?"
> > >>
> > >> The trooper stopped writing the ticket and
> > >> said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are . . . I
> > >> never heard of circle flies."
> > >>
> > >> So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common
> > >> on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
> > >> they're almost always found circling around the
> > >> back end of a horse."
> > >>
> > >> The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing
> > >> the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says,
> > >> "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
> > >>
> > >> The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much
> > >> respect for law enforcement and police officers to
> > >> even think about calling you a horse's ass."
> > >>
> > >> The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and
> > >> goes back to writing the ticket.
> > >>
> > >> After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool
> > >> them flies though."

[MoeRedskins]

World's Funniest Joke!!!

[swheeler]

Originally Posted by LoveJoeHateDan

World's Funniest Joke!!!

Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny.

weird

[TupaFan]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES:

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car each
And 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes
or belong to a scouting troop.

There is no fast food on the island.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, look at and discuss all school papers, and help
complete at least one science project during this time.
He will cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" assigned bills
with varying amounts of money each week.

In addition...each man will have to budget in money for groceries.

Each man must also take each child to either a doctor, dentist, ortho
or birthday party. All at sometime will need to get haircuts and be
prepared for one major emergency of an unknown type or time.
He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid
hip song that comes on the radio and the name of each and every repulsive character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs accordingly and apply makeup at some
point daily.

They must adorn themselves with coordinating jewelry with a clean
outfit, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails
polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach
cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but
never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend church weekly as a family, biweekly PTA meetings, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a
similar setting.

He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them,
coordinate cloths according to the weather. And supervise all hygiene
habits each morning by 7: AM.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will
be required to know all of the following information: *
each child's birthday, height, weight, and middle name.
* Shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Any allergy's to food or
medication.
* Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of
labor,
* Each child's favorite color, favorite snack, favorite song,
* favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be
when they grow up.

They will clean up after a sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend
the remainder of that day tending to that child and waiting on them
hand and foot until they are better.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six popsicle
sticks.

The kids can vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate
with his spouse at a moments notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be
called Mother!

[tbfoster1]

This is a detective story ..

So Pay Close Attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!



Think some more!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You're gonna love it ..







Answer:





It's the bottom of the fifth

and the bags are loaded!

[tbfoster1]

What do you learn at movies?

***********************
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German).

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.