The New Joke Thread....

[TupaFan]

Good Things To Know!!

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
15. Stinky feet - Jello
16. Athletes feet - cornstarch
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
20. Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
25. Heavy dandruff -- pour on the vinegar
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice
27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping -- large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
33. Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with Peanut butter!
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
36. Dirty grout - Listerine
37. Stains on clothes - Colgate
38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup
39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!
40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax-sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin, or just use 7-up instead of water.
42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday = Blue, Tuesday = Green, Thursday = Red, Friday = White and Saturday = Yellow .

So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors.

You learn something new everyday!

[TupaFan]

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man,

"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

[SkinsASchamps]

Originally Posted by tbfoster1

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

Best joke i have seen in a while. I really did laugh out loud.

[Redblood]

BULL MATING
>A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first Exhibits they
>stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
>there was a sign attached
>
>that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
>"The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and
>said, "He mated 50 times last year."
>They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
>bull mated 120 times last year.
>"The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
>twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
>They walked to the third pen! and it had a sign attached that said, in
>capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
>
>The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
>said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
>one."
>
>The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
>the same old cow?"
>*NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
>and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[redskin_rich]

Dear Technical Support,

Some 18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from
DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any
trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between
these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0
with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, I have now find that GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible
with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1,Football 4.5, and
Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other,
they caused severe
damage to my hardware.

After months of problems I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to
discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come
bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could
not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary,Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can,
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what
the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle
Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes
that drain my resources.

These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me
that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to
my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005 ,
but there could be problems.

A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects
Mistress 2005 , it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Any ideas?

[RedskinRyan]

this one is for minnesota mike....

q: how can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
a: if they've stopped breathing

[HAWGZHEAD]

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on
her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did
Santa
bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety
violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light
on
the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir,
did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the
di*k goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[TupaFan]

MOVE TO FLORIDA

April 30th:
Florida is fantastic!
Just got here and love it already.
Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.


May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today.
Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned
home and drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see
the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.


June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped
with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing for me.
NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today,
but I love it here.


July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90
all week, not even at night.
Where are those ocean breezes
we heard about, still seems hot.
Getting used to it will take a while, I guess.
I sure miss my LP collection, though.
I'll have to remember not to leave anything
made out of plastic in my car.
Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers,
cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands.
I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.


July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work,
what a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though: got to respect
the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the
car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch,
he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
and just as I opened the door he exploded
all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop.
No more pets in this heat!


July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!!
The home air conditioner is on the fritz
and AC repairman charged $200 just to
drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.


July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool
for three nights now.
Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that
are as big as B-52's.
$1,500 in darn house payments
and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?


Aug 4th:
100 degrees.
Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the
temperature down to about 90.
The electric bill is almost as
much as the house payment.
And two old lady drivers
almost ran me off the road.
I hate this state.


Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks,
"Hot enough for you today?"
I'm going to tear his head off.
Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking
wet, and I smell like a roasted cat!!


Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well
be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the
Weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
And whoever came up with the statement,
"it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it"
should die from heat exhaustion.
Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??


Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the
windshield out of the Lincoln.
The installer came to fix it and said,
"Hot enough for you today?".
My wife had to spend the $1,500
house payment to bail me out jail.


Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer.
I'm not leaving the house.
The monsoon rains finally came and all
they did is to make it muggier than hell
and drove the damned roaches out of the ground.
I wasn't aware they could fly!
The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the
Caribbean with its new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving back to
New Jersey where all you
have to worry about is getting mugged.
I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba!

[TupaFan]

Female Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.


Male Prayer:


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass
boat.


Amen

[IowaSkinsFan]

Best pick up line ever:

Guy: Did you know my watch can talk?

Girl: No? What does it say?

Guy: It says you are kissing me.

Girl: Well, obviously that's wrong.

Guy: Wait, it's 5 minutes fast.

[IowaSkinsFan]

Young Son: Dad, I heard that in Africa, men don't know their wives until they are married....is that true?

Father: That happens in every country son.

[IowaSkinsFan]

Originally Posted by RedskinRyan

this one is for minnesota mike....

q: how can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
a: if they've stopped breathing

What about Spence?

[GibbsRules!]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and
jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom
of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's
the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow,
pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you
preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!!!!!"

[skins lady]

Names
There was this girl who was pregnant with twins. While she was driving to the hospital, she got in a car accident and she went into a coma. The ambulance came and they delivered the babies safely but the only person there to name the babies was her brother because she was still in a coma and her husband was in Iraq. Well when the woman woke up and found out that her brother had named her children she was a little worried because her brother isnt too smart. So she asked him what he named them and he said "the first one was a girl and I named her Denise." the woman said "not bad well what did you name the other one?" he said "the next one was a boy and I named him Denephew."


Blonde Jokes
Why are blonde jokes so short?... So men can remember them!


Cigarette Condoms
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

[tbfoster1]

BEDTIME POEMS --For BIG Kids



JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.





MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread







SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"







HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.









HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.







GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay